My kids and I have been telling some jokes lately. I had a major flashback to the first time I ever said my first dirty joke.
I got invited to my cousin’s house for a birthday sleepover. She was in 6th Grade and I was in 5th. I was excited, but beyond fucking nervous. I also have an older cousin in 7th grade, who is sister’s with my 6th grade cousin. Did that fucking make sense? My cousins are sisters, both in Junior High and I was in Elementary School. That’s a huge difference in age growing up! I definitely had barbies in my room, toys, and big buck teeth. These girls were wearing fucking training bras, had braces, and thinking about boys. Damit, I want to wear a training bra. I had to act cool and not scared.
My cousins just moved to a new house and it’s a bit further away from where I lived. Sad to see them move, they are my first best friends. My mom dropped me off and my Uncle was there to greet me. He told me to put my sleeping bag downstairs. I walked down the steps and saw the basement. Holy shit, look at all these cool pillows, back packs, and sleeping bags. Crap, my sleeping bag was my brothers. It was hunter green with a dark flannel lining. AND It smelled like cat piss. I set my shit down and looked around. The basement was unfinished. It was a slab of concrete with wood beams lined for the construction to begin. Hmmm nothing screams a girls sleep over like sleeping on cold cement.
I had so much fun watching movies, eating pizza, singing happy birthday, and eating cake. FUCK I love being a kid! The time was getting late and my Uncle sent us downstairs. We were starting to get wild.
These girls are so fucking cool! I am on cloud nine. We played music and made up dance routines to En Vogue, Vanessa Williams, TLC, Mariah Carey…some girls were sweating their asses off from the dancing. WOW. Funny how I was jealous of their puberty. I wanted to be sweaty too.
We were getting sleepy and winding down. We arranged our sleeping bags in a semicircle. Fuck, this pavement is really hard. My cousins were so nice, making sure I was not stuck on the end or scared. I got to sleep in the middle of both of the them. Thank you for that. All of us girls were laughing, giggling, and telling stories. Then there was this one girl who said…”I have a joke.”
The girl starts the joke..”So, this mom took her daughter to the store to pick up some dinner. She walks over to the seafood counter and looks to see what is on sale.”
Mom: “Oh excuse me sir, I would like that Damn Fish.”
Counter Attendant: “Oh that’s a nice choice you will be very happy with how it tastes, I will wrap this Damn Fish up for you right away.”
The little girl was confused and looked at her mom. Damn Fish? Isn’t DAMN A SWEAR WORD?
The little girl and mother make it home from the store, it its now time for dinner. The whole family is around the dining room table. Her mother had prepared a beautiful meal. The family bows their hands and gives thanks to the Lord. Amen.
Dad: “Honey, can you pass the Damn Fish?”
Mom: “Of course Dear, here you go.”
Then her brother chimes in….
Brother: “Dad can you pass me the Damn Fish? I’m starving.”
Dad: “Here you go Son.”
The little girl sat there in her chair puzzled and watching the Damn Fish being passed around.
Mom: “I will take some Damn Fish please.”
Brother: “Here you go Mom.”
The brother passes his Mother some Damn Fish. The Mom looks over to the little girl.
Mom: “Honey, would you like some Damn Fish?”
The little girl responds…
Girl: “Actually could you pass me the Fucking Potatoes?”
The Joke Ends
The girl says…”do you get it? Damn Fish, so the little girl said “Fucking Potatoes.”
My cousins, myself, and the other girls all gasped. OMG did she say the word FUCK? We giggled and I threw my head into the pillow. I can’t believe she just said that. Holy shit! Did she just say FUCK out loud? I think she said FUCKING. I’m pretty sure she said FUCKING. My little 5th Grade brain was swirling and I was high. It felt so hilarious… I knew I was not allowed to say that word ever, BUT WOW. This has been the best night of my life.
Fast forward a week…
I am at my grandma Nana’s house and she is babysitting my younger brother and I. My mom had taken my older brother some place. Nana didn’t have anything to do at her house. Not one fucking toy to play with. Just a yamaha keyboard and some old balloons. It was a museum, with glass figurines, vintage shit, and Florida paintings everywhere. Man she loved the color of Peach….to bad we are in Illinois.
My younger brother and I are in her living room messing around, making each other laugh. Then, my Nana walked in and said, “I have a joke.” Oh good! because we are bored as fuck and could use some entertainment.
She starts the Joke…
One day in class, the teacher was using the word “Definitely”. She gave all sorts of examples of how to use the word “Definitely”. Then, she encouraged the rest of the class to raise their hands and give examples of the of word “Definitely”. Theres a little boy whose hand shot straight in the air.
Teacher: “Yes Andy, tell us your example.”
Andy: “The sky is “Definitely” blue.”
Teacher: “Well, not exactly…the sky can be grey, pink, orange, it takes on many different colors with the weather. That does not quite fit the word “Definitely”. Thank you for raising your hand Andy.”
A little girl shyly raises her hand.
Teacher: “Yes, Christine let’s hear your example.”
Christine: “The ocean is “Definitely” blue.”
Teacher: “Hmmmm the ocean can be blue, but sometimes its brown and murky. Again, it depends on weather, habitat, and where you live in the country. Nice try Christine, but that is not quite the answer we are looking for. Anyone else?”
Then another boy in the back casually raises his hand.
Teacher: “Yes, Johnny go ahead.”
Johnny: “Teacher, do farts have lumps?”
The teacher is a little startled by this question, but answers it anyways.
Teacher: “Ummm yes, farts do have lumps Johnny.”
Johnny: “Well, then I “Definitely” shit in my pants.”
BHAHAHAHAHAHA…OMG!!! My younger brother and I were dying laughing. My buck tooth smile was huge. My Nana said the word SHIT! She “DEFINITELY” made this joke up. Why is it funny when my Nana swears? Sounds amazing.
Then I thought…
Me: “I have a joke Nana.”
Nana: “You do, what is it?”
I started up the joke and talked about Damn Fish. Pass the Damn Fish, pass the Damn Fish, pass the Damn Fish….heeeerrrre it comes.
Me: “Actually, could you pass me the Fucking Potatoes?”
My Nana’s mouth dropped. She couldn’t believe what I just said. She was speechless, couldn’t talk, and didn’t know what to say. I left her in shock. My younger brother was shocked too, and couldn’t believe what I just said. Then, my younger brother started laughing and my Nana started to laugh too, but couldn’t believe what I just said.
A few minutes later…my mom pulls in the driveway and walks into the room with my older brother.
Mom: “Hi, how was everything?”
Nana: “You are not going to believe what your daughter just said. My face turns beet red.
Nana: “Christine, go on and tell your mother your joke.”
Me: “No, I don’t want to.”
Nana: “No, you need to tell her the joke.”
Me: “No, I’m scared.” What the hell, my Nana just sold me out.
Mom: “What did she do?”
Nana: “She said the word FUCK.” My god a bomb went off in the living room. The way Nana said it, sounded even worse! She never says that word and suddenly my ears were ringing.
Mom: “CHRISTINE!” What? I’m blushing and my brothers are dying laughing.
So, I told her the joke...
Herrrreeeeee comes the punch line…
Me: “Actually, could you please pass me the Fucking Potatoes.” My brothers erupt and Nana is shocked for the second time.
Mom: “CHRISTINE!!! She pronounces every letter in my name again. Where did you hear this?”
Me: “Ummm Cousin’s birthday party.” I was looking at the ground and couldn’t lift my face. That was the best night of my life and suddenly I was ashamed.
No one knew what to do…were they proud of me or going to ground me?
Nana: ” Well, I have a joke.”
Our faces just tilted…what? Is she really going to tell a joke right now? With me dropping the “F” bomb twice?
Then my Nana started another joke….Is this really happening?
Joke with moving parts…bare with me.
A bus driver pulled up to the bus stop. There was a deaf mute man standing there. He walked up the steps and started motioning to the driver. Nana started to run her fingers down her arm. The bus driver ran his fingers up his arm. The man then grabbed his tits. Nana lifted and grabbed her tits. My brothers and I couldn’t believe the sight. The bus driver than grabbed his nuts. Nana grabbed her crouch…wtf is she doing? The man then wiped his ass and got off the bus. Nana made a motion and wiped her own ass. Wow. There was a woman sitting behind the driver and said…
Woman: “That was the most vulgar thing I have ever seen.”
Bus Driver: “Oh maim, that was a deaf mute communicating. He first asked with his fingers, if I was going up town? I told him…”no, I was going downtown.” Nana repeats the motions and runs her fingers like she is going down town on her arm. “Then he asked, if I was going passed the Diary?” Again, Nana grabbed her tits to show it was at the Dairy, Jesus Christ. “I told him no, I was going passed the ball park. Then he motioned wiping his ass and saying “Oh shit, I’m on the wrong bus.” Nana grabbed her crouch and wiped her ass.
End of Joke
My mom could not believe what was happening. Now, my brothers and I were all laughing. These jokes became classics in our family.
So, here are some good jokes to tell your kids for their next sleep over and share with their friends.