Naked Snapchat

Snap chat is one of my favorite social media outlet’s…

If you don’t know what Snapchat is, it’s an app that was created in 2011. What you can do with it is send pictures and videos to friends and family. The picture and video would last for 10 seconds and then disappear. It also has a feature called “stories”, which allows users to create a narrative by stringing together pictures and videos and post it to “My Story”. By using “stories”, you can post your pictures and videos for all your friends and family to see up for 24 hours. I’m sure you are familiar with stories today, for Facebook and Instagram have them as well. Snapchat also has fun filters to use and even texting between friends family on it. 

One Interesting fact, Snapchat exploded more with the younger users, because they didn’t want their social media history coming back to haunt them. Instead of deleting bad or embarrassing content from MySpace, Facebook, and/or Instagram, Snapchat already was deleting your content for you. 

The explosion year was 2015 with 75 million users.  

When I downloaded the app, it was 2016 (9 years ago, if you need help with Math like me). I thought I was a young user, but I wasn’t. I was 34 years old, I definitely navigated the app like an older person. I was confused and was not catching on quickly. Why would someone want to send a picture or video to just have it disappear? This shit, makes no fucking sense to me. 

At the time, I hard feelings about instagram. Family and Friends were now posting the same photo on both Instagram and Facebook. If I checked both apps, then I had to like the photo twice. What the hell? Didn’t I already see this photo? Isn’t posting once enough?  

So, here I am, trying to get comfortable sending pictures and videos to my family and friends to just have them disappear? Be patient Christine, give Snapchat a chance. I know you can get the hang of this. 

One night, in 2016 (that’s 9 years ago, for those that still need help with Math), my husband, Chris, had a work dinner downtown Chicago and was going to be home late. We have three little boys, all two years apart. They were 7, 5, and 3…

By the time, my boys went to bed, I was fucking exhausted. 

Any days that my husband worked late or was out of town. I would just eat whatever the kids did not eat or snack on some cheese and crackers from the fridge. For some reason, cooking for myself was hard. After a long day with the kids and flying solo, I had no problem drinking my dinner.

So, I get the kids into bed at 8:00 pm. They were good about it, but it is the best feeling in the world for me, when I put them down. Ahhhh a break. I walk downstairs and end up in my kitchen. I walk over to the bottle of Cabernet that I opened earlier. I pick it up and pour myself another class of wine. Take a sip. Yes. I walk over to the couch, I grab my knitting bag, sit down, and turn on Dateline on the T.V. Sitting there knitting away on a Christmas stocking, sipping, and getting scared to death. I do this until the bottle of wine is gone. Damn already? I look into my empty wine glass, well I guess it’s time for bed. 

I get up and walk to the bathroom. I look into the mirror and see my lips are darkened by the red wine and my teeth are stained. I grab my toothpaste and apply to my tooth brush and start to scrub. My teeth are finally clean and my lips are bright pink. I wipe my face with a washcloth, I undress, and put on my robe that is hanging on a hook by the shower. I turn off all the lights and double check the doors. I usually lock them before Dateline, because you never know who wants to kill me. I walk upstairs, go into my room, take off my robe, throw it on the bed, and climb under the sheets butt naked, ahhh.  

I have my phone in hand and start scrolling. I Look at Facebook first, I start liking every new photo I see. Now, I switch over to instagram and start liking the same fucking photos. Such a pain in the ass. I finish scrolling and then…I got an idea. I am going to send my husband a “naked Snapchat”. Great idea Christine. 

Laying there on my back, I open the app and press the “turn around button” to get the camera to point at me. I make sure my boobs are in it. There you go. I press the recording button holding it and I say, “I love you”. I release the button and look at it. Hmmm I can do better than that. I press the top left X button and delete it. 

Okay take 2, I get myself set up again. I press the record button by holding it and say “I love you” and blow a kiss. I release the button. Let’s see, how was that? I let it replay to watch it. I don’t know. I press the X button again to delete it. 

Wait?! Maybe I need to prop my one boob up higher than the other. So, I try to pull my tit up higher than the other and use my arms to pitch my boobs together. Oh and angle the phone lower. Okay. I press down on the recording button again holding it and say, “I love you” and blow another kiss. I release the button and let it replay. I watch it. That’s it. This is one. Feeling super confident. I go to press the bottom right arrow for “send to”. I select Chris’s name. Oh wait, lets press this top button with my name on it as well, because I want to make sure he gets it. Done, time for bed. 

I turn over to plug my phone in and set it on the nightstand. My head hits the pillow hard. The wine has kicked in nicely and I am ready to pass out. Ahhh.  

Dig. 

I open my eyes and turn towards my phone. Did someone just text me?  

Huh, It’s my cousin Grace (who is 20 years old). That’s odd, I press on her text to open it up. I read her text.

Grace: “I think you sent something that was just supposed to be for Chris?” I think for a second, that’s weird. A little adrenaline kicks in.

Me: “What??” Omg. I reply again

Me: “What do you mean?” My heart starts to pick up a little bit more.  

Grace: “You posted a snap to your story. I think you meant it just for Chris?” 

Now, I had never used the “My Story” feature before. I only sent snaps to those I intended to open and view them. I’m not even sure how I posted it on “My Story”. 

Shit, shit, shit, shit.  

I hurry up and open up Snapchat app and see the “My Story” feature on the top upper left hand corner of the individual snaps screen. Holy shit, there it is. You can see my naked self in this little circle of “My Story” and my name is listed below it. I press on the little circle …I view it… naked Christine pops up, “I love you”, and blowed kiss. Why would I even do that? UGH

I can see that my two cousin’s Grace (20 years old) and her younger sister, Darcy (who is 16 years) have viewed it. As well, as my husband’s best buddy from Glenbard South High School, Tim. Oh and I see his wife Kaci has watched it too. Wow I, didn’t even know you can see who viewed it. That’s a cool feature. 

I suddenly popped straight up. I start texting my cousin Grace back, as my hands are shaking and my boobs are hanging in the drama. 

Me: “OMG, what the fuck did I do?” My heart was now pounding out of my chest. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 

She texts me back. 

Grace: “You can delete it.” 

Texting back frantically…

Me: “HOW?”

Grace: “You tap on your story and see those 3 dots in the top right corner.”

My hands are a mess and try to tap the 3 dots. 

I text her back.

Me: “Yes, I see the 3 dots.”

Grace: “Tap it and there you will see the words delete from story. Tap on it.”

I open my story again and see two others have viewed it, because the list now looks longer that before. I’m frantic and didn’t read their names. I tap on the 3 dots, find the word delete, and hurry up to press it. Phhhhewww. 

It’s down. OMG, I fall back onto my bed. Trying to slow my heart rate down. 

I pick up my phone again and text Grace. 

Me: “I did it. It’s down. Thank you.” 

Grace texts back. 

Grace: “That was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Me: “I’m mortified. Thank you for you helping me.”

Grace: “I’m still laughing. Your welcome.”

Me: “Nice. Well, I’m going to bed and thank you for helping me.”

I put my phone back on my night stand. Wow. To think who I am friends with on Snapchat, my brother, extended family members, friends, golfing buddies, random friend acquaintances, my kids friends moms, all these people ranging from all different ages would’ve seen that! 

Thank god Grace was not in bed yet. I start to calm down, close my eyes, and fall asleep. Thank you wine.   

I wake up the next morning feeling a little groggy. I sit up, put my feet on the floor, grab my robe from the bed, and put it on. I stand up, tie the front knot and see my phone, I grab it from my night stand and put it in my front pocket. I walk downstairs and put my phone on the kitchen counter. 

I start to make myself a cup of coffee, kids will be getting up soon. I see Chris walk into the kitchen and grabs my phone. He walks out of the room with it. What the shit? He doesn’t even say a word and left the room. That’s weird. I continue to put creamer in my coffee. He then walks back in kitchen and sets my phone down.

I look at him oddly. 

Me: “What are you doing?”

Chris replies…

Chris: “Tim was texting me last night that you posted yourself naked on Snapchat. When I walked out of my social event last night, I got to view your naked snap that you sent me, but didn’t know what he was talking about. He then told me he screamed to Kaci sitting in the living room from the basement that Christine’s boobies were on Snapchat. I forgot that he told me that. So, this morning I wanted to make sure it was still not on Snapchat.” 

All the crazy emotions from last night came rushing back to me like a punch to the gut. I completely forgot about it. I looked at him and I was now super awake. I tell him my sexy plan last night and how I accidentally posted it to my story, where all my friends can view it. I don’t even know how to use my story. Thank God Grace was able to help me take it down. 

We both start laughing so hard, there are tears in our eyes. We could not get the day started. We are trying to get the kids to school and he to work. It was a shit show. 

Everyone did make it off to work and school, I’m thankful to be back to my normal boring routine. I drive to the gym, park, scan my id and head to the women’s locker room. I put my jacket into the locker and still in disbelief what I did last night. I walk upstairs and get right onto the treadmill. The run was good, because I was so distracted with my actions. I run for 30 minutes and start to do a cool down. 

After my cool down, I wipe down the treadmill down and walk to the stretching area. 

As I am walking, I catch a few people staring at me. Hmmmmm. I sit down, put my legs out to start stretching, and grab my phone to start texting Chris.

Me: “I think I sent my snap to the Healthtrack gym, because everyone is staring at me.” 

He replies. 

Chris: “No, your good.”

Dig.

I look at my phone, I get a text from Chris’s other best buddy from Glenbard South High School, Blake.

Blake: “Hey, that snap last night was great.”

Omg did he see it too?!!!

I text Chris immediately.

Me: “Did Blake see the Snapchat?”

Chris: “I don’t think so.

Me: “Well Blake is texting me, thanks for the snap last night.”

Chris: “Tim must of told him.”

I now switch back over to texting Blake. 

Me: “Fuck off, you did not see anything.”

Blake: “Yea, I did.”

Me: “No you didn’t.” 

Blake: “Okay, I didn’t, but that is the funniest shit I have ever heard.” 

Damit Tim. 

I text my younger cousin, Darcy. (16 years old.) 

Me: “Hey, so last night was fun, huh?”

Darcy: “Omg, I was dying.” 

Me: “Well, I’m glad I could give you that laugh. How are you texting in school right now?”

Darcy: “I’m in English, supposed to be silent reading.”  

Me: “Got it, well sorry for what you saw last night. I’m sure you will never be able to get that out of your head.”

Darcy: “Never! I saw it and ran straight to Grace’s room to tell her.”

Me: “Oh wow, didn’t know that you were the first one to see it.”

Darcy: “Yea, we watched it a several times with Grace’s boyfriend Luke too.” 

Me: “So, you, Luke, and Grace kept watching it?”

Darcy: “Yea”

Me: “Great, well time for you to get back to class.”

Darcy: “Okay.”

I then text Grace.

Me: “Hey, thank you for last night.”

Grace: “I still can’t get over it.”

Me: “Yea, either can I.”

Grace: “We watched it several times, Darcy ran into my room. Luke and I were hanging out and we were laughing so hard.”

Me: “Yea, I heard.”

Grace: “IT WAS  Soooo FUNNY.”

Me: “Ugh, well laughs on me. Thanks again for helping me out.”

Grace: “Anytime.”

I now text Chris again. 

Me: “I can’t believe this shit, that I did last night.”

Chris: “It’s all good, but is funny.”

Me: “Well, I’m done with working out. I’m going to go home, I can’t take this embarrassing shit anymore.”

Chris: “Your good. The Snap is down. Try to have a good day.”

I get up from stretching and walk through the weight room, down the stairs, into the ladies locker room. What the fuck are people staring at? I swear to god. 

As, I walk into the Ladies Locker room, they have big mirrors everywhere. I do a double take and see it… 

I have a huge 4 inch tag hanging out of the butt of my workout pants.

I turn and look harder, I had worn my workout pants inside out. My under armor capri workout pants had a tag so fucking long with laundry instructions for every Country attached to it. Could this day get any worse? And why didn’t anyone working out have the decency to tell me? Thoooose Bitches. 

I grab my jacket out of the locker. I walk out with my 4 inch long tag flapping outside of my butt. I don’t even care to turn them inside out. 

I walk out of gym and get into my car and start it. I am now back to my normal boring routine. As, I drive out onto the street, I’m so grateful I have younger people in my life who can navigate all these apps. I will never judge the younger generation who can get me out of these moments. 

The older generations are always the best generations, but we are nowhere without the younger generations.  

Sadly, there are has been, no more naked Snapchat’s in Chris’s future.

Just trying to keep it spicy…