Bed Wetting

Bed Wetting…Now this is a problem I had faced until I was 12 years old. I became a pretty good liar in my own mind, with always trying to fucking cover up my urine.

As a little girl, my mom would buy me the cutest beds and bedspreads. My first bed, was a queen and had rose buds all over my comforter. Fucking adorable right? I would wake up in the morning and the bed would be wet from the night and I was potty trained. If I realized I pissed my bed. I would grab a towel and lay it down, change my underwear, and go back to sleep. I did this for years and was the best solution. My mom was scarier than fucking shit in the middle of night, no way I was waking her up. I would be sleeping on a hundred towels by the end of the week and not tell anyone. My mom would walk in my room and it fucking smelled of piss and vinegar and she would gag at the smell.“Oh Christine, did you pee?”. I would lie, “No, I don’t smell anything”. Shit, it fucking smelled awful.I got a new bed, you should have seen this old queen mattress. It had million pee stains all over it. I didn’t leave one inch uncovered. BOOM! I was worse than a cat.

Finally my mom wised up and bought some “rubber sheets” for my new bed. That name “rubber” already reminds me of a used condom. Gross, anyways…every time I would crawl into bed, it would fucking “crinkle”. Shit that was embarrassing to have if friends come over and sit on my bed. A friend asked, “Why do you have that rubber sheet on your bed?”. My reply, “Oh my brother sometimes sleeps in my bed and pees on it”…WTF, my brothers are not sleeping with me or in my bed?! Which brother slept with me? Fuck whatever, friends bought it.

Is there solutions?

My mom tried everything with me. Wouldn’t let me drink anything before bed. Sometimes hours before, to see if that worked. I would be so fucking thirsty and still wet the bed. She even took me to the pediatrician to say my “pisser” is broken and tell the doctor, “Christine will not stop wetting the bed”. The doctor said something about it being genetic. This is the gene I inherit?! fucking great! She even bought me pull ups! Of all the nerve!! I was in 4th-5th Grade. I told her to get those fucking things away from me. I was not a baby!! Pull ups are humiliating at that age. My dad and brothers were laughing their asses off at me. My dad would bring these stories up in front of people all the time. I would be thinking, “Damn it Dad, What the fuck is wrong you?” Wanted to kill him for that, he thought it was hilarious.

What do you do?

As I got older, sleep overs were starting to happen….ugh anxiety would set in. I didn’t want to fucking pee in a friends bed, in the middle of the night. I would die of embarrassment. Again in my mind, I believed all the lies I would make up about how I did “not” fucking pee. So here’s some ideas for your kids, if they do wet the bed at a friends house. These worked like a charm.

• If they have a dog, I pissed on a friends pull out couch once and said it was “dog drool”. The friend totally bought it and tattle tailed on the dog to her mom. Genius.
• At the same friends house, my underwear was completely drenched in pee. You need to hide the evidence. So I put my underwear behind their toilet. I left the house commando, I thought that was completely normal. (That must have been a fun find for my friend’s mom to find).
• If you are sleeping on a floor of any kind, make sure your in a basement by a ceiling vent. A friend put her hand on the floor carpet, where I peed. She said “ewwww, why is it wet?” Completely with a confident face, I told her the vent was leaking last night. She fucking looked up and said “yea your right”. Wow, I’m good.
• If your really in a jam at a sleepover and can’t blame it on mysterious water. I told my cousins, I was so sweaty and needed to change my pajamas. I was sleeping in between them and had pissed in the middle! One cousin said, yea “I’m really hot too”. Thank the lord it was summer time.
• Depending on your mood, if you have confidence and big balls. I seriously pretended like nothing happened. My mom came to pick me up and shoved my urine pajamas in my bag like nothing happened, fucking denial. No one ever questioned me, but probably talked about me after I left.
• If you are with a lot of people, like a Morton Arboretum sleepover and deathly scared of any of your classmates finding out. Then, you never fall asleep and stay up the whole fucking night. This is the only way you will not pee if you don’t fall asleep. Exhausted the next day yes, but my dignity was still in check.

I hope these tips will help your children to fight back any embarrassment of bed wetting. Patrick is in 1st Grade and he can’t not make it through one fucking week without wetting the bed. I make him wear a pull up that has Thomas the Train on it and he fucking hates it. Denny is super jealous. Every now and then I let Patrick wear underwear to see if we can make it “pee free” throughout the night. He is my “mini-me bed wetter”. Kid you not, he told me one time the “ceiling leaked” and the other time he was “super sweaty.” Wow, fucking amazing how he came up with those on the spot to save himself from embarrassment. I couldn’t be more proud and can’t believe I passed down the “bed wetting gene”.