Sharting, a skill I had acquired the moment I became engaged to my Husband. We have been married for 9 years. This has been going on for 10 years now. For some strange reason, I have to shart four times a year…strange and gross I know. So, when I shart once, I think I only have three more times in the year to go. When I make the fourth shart…I’m relieved to know that I am in the clear for the rest of the year….fucking phew.
I was engaged right after Thanksgiving and I was on “cloud 9” in December. So in love with my new fiancé and couldn’t wait to start the planning of a wedding.
Right after the holidays, my best bud and I were going to Europe for 10 days. We had planned this trip in the fall. I have never been to Europe and she had. I was so super fucking nervous and excited. Throughout our travels, I realized how much I looked like a fucking tourist with a light blue North Face jacket and wearing construction boots. I stuck out everywhere I went and screamed “American”. My buddy fit right in with a slimming burberry black jacket, looking super “European”. We had a few days in Paris and now onto Florence, Italy. The moment we got into Florence we decided to eat dinner first, because it was starting to get late. I shoveled this fucking food in my mouth so fast the red wine and it was so good. We were pretty tired and got to our hotel room. I decided I needed a shower and my buddy chatted with her boyfriend on the phone. I took a shower, put a thong on and started to blow dry my hair. As I was doing this, I felt a fart coming on and decided to let that pass. Suddenly, I was like wtf kinda of fart was that? What just came out of my ass?! What?! I remind you I was wearing a thong. What do I do?! I slipped out of the bathroom and grabbed a grocery store baggie out of my suitcase. I fucking put the shart thong in the bag walked back into the room like nothing happened and put it in my suitcase. My buddy caught sight of this, she said, “What are you doing?” She was still on the phone and I told her I would tell her once she was off. She ended that conversation fast. I confessed and told her how I just sharted in my thong. She was dying laughing and said, “You are not bringing that fucking baggy around for the rest of the trip”. Being my dad’s daughter, I wanted to bring it home and wash it. The thong was still good, right? What am I thinking?! We still had 5 days left of this trip. That shart would probably start to fucking mold or something. My bag would never make it through security. Could you imagine if the French Security Guard looked through my suitcase and found that shit? Fucking gross…I was completely in shock that I had sharted on our Europe trip. I Didn’t realize, it was only the beginning of what was to come for the next 10 years of my life.
Chris and I were going on our first vacation together, since we have been engaged. We have never been on a vacation just the two of us and was always with family. His boss had a Condo in Keystone, they were not using it. We went to all these nice restaurants, eating, drinking, skiing, etc…We had to go to this one restaurant that was 30 minutes away, that his boss recommended. The food was so rich, I had a nice steak and Chris ordered Elk. He had me try a few pieces to see what I thought. After dinner we started the 30 minute drive back to Keystone. Suddenly, my fucking tummy started to go in all sorts of knots. Holy shit, what did I eat? I kept ignoring it, but it kept cramping up harder, harder, harder…It was getting worse with every second and soon I found myself white knuckling the seat. My face went pale and had sweat dripping down the sides of my face. What The Fuck is happening?! I told Chris to drive faster or I was about to blow my ass apart out of this car. I barely made it back to the condo. I ran like hell upstairs to the bathroom feeling the burn. It was a scene straight out of “Dumb and Dumber” and “Bridesmaids”. Chris could hear everything, the walls were suddenly so thin. I was fucking mortified. After I came out of the bathroom, I said, “Wow” the altitude must of affected my stomach.” Fuck, I’m thankful he didn’t ask for the ring back.
I told my parents about the sharting I had done in Europe and Keystone. They were grossed out by me. Now it’s February, one month after Europe and Keystone. I went to lunch with my mom and Nana. I came home with my mom and it was voting day. I am not sure what the fuck we were voting for, but I was going to go to the Elementary school do to my civic duty. I get in my car, start driving and felt a fart from lunch coming on. Not a problem, I will let that one pass. Suddenly that same warm feeling was coming on. This is not what I expected. I quickly turned the car around and high tailed it back the short 2 minutes to my parents house. I came running into my parents house. My mom said,“What’s wrong?” I was screaming, “I sharted!”. I was running to my bathroom. My dad immediately sprinted after me and said, “Your bathroom is broken!”. What? I used it this morning. I ran back down the hall to go into the hallway bathroom. My mom said, “Christine, you dad is kidding, Your bathroom is not broken”. That dick!!! I ran back down to my room and he was laughing so hard. Shit smothered my ass. I had a poncho sweater on, jeans, and construction boots. Took me forever to get this outfit off. What the fuck is wrong with me? How has this become a problem?
Now it was summer and my sharting had calmed down a bit. I thought, wow that must have been all the traveling or misunderstanding with fucking farting. I have no idea what happened there. I was out shopping one day at the mall and sharted in a department store. Literally had to drop everything and run to the bathroom. I had to take off my shoes and pants to take my underwear off. I threw my underwear away in the garbage, like this was normal. I left the store immediately and acting like nothing happened. I feel bad for whoever has to take out that trash out. Is this who I am now? Don’t babies and old people shart? Damnit….
For the past 10 years this has been my life. I don’t know if I’m fixated on the number four, but it always happens that many times a year. Now, I am very scared of any fart. Terrified!! Do you know how many times people have to fart a day? I have to try and hold it and have it come out of my mouth. I’m exhausted…
I have many more embarrassing stories about sharting, particularly one on the golf course. I will save those for a different time. All of you must think I’m so crazy and disgusting. How did Chris even still marry me? I told him I was nervous about our wedding…he fucking bought it and now has to live with me and sharting for the rest of his life. Haha poor guy….