My mom is a huge fucking fan of Joel Osteen and his hair. She watches him every Sunday morning. On Sundays, I have to call either before or after his program airs. Sometimes she will record his show. How is this my mom? This shit makes me laugh so hard…
A few months ago, she shit in her pants when she heard Joel is coming to Chicago. She didn’t waste time and bought four tickets to see this Texas Bible Banger.
Mom: “I bought Joel Osteen Tickets to the United Center.”
Me: “What?! Fucking come on? Really?”
Mom: “Yes, would you go with me?”
Me: “Oh gees, I’m not sure….This is so not for me mom…Alright, I will go to support you and your God loving boyfriend’s concert.”
August comes and my mom is fucking fired up. I actually was looking forward to going and have no idea what to expect. Since, I would never voluntarily go to an event like this, I suddenly was interested. Her two best buds go as well and are happy to hear Jesus’s word and get some good positive vibe shit from Joel.
We had a nice dinner before hand and I slammed two glasses of wine to get my head in the right spot for this event. Bring it on Joel.
We walk to the United Center and I could not stop staring at everyone who was wanting to come see this man. The one thing I did notice, was everyone was dressed nice for Church or had a t-shirt on about Faith, Believe, God is not mad at you, etc….I had a nice slutty lace top on, in case I needed to be on stage for a healing, rebirth, or a baptism of some kind.
We get through security….there is no alcohol sales.
Me: “Mom wtf…not even a little holy communion wine for this event?”
Mom: “Oh gees, well he doesn’t like that kind of stuff at his concerts.”
She is already defending him, no ripping on Joel tonight...Ugh I wish there was alcohol.
We find our seats and it’s not filled. My mom is fucking pisst at the seats and thinks they suck.
Mom: “I won’t be able to see Joel!! He will look like an Ant…Damit…I’m so mad.”
Me: “Well these tickets were $18.00…”
Mom: “I want to be on the main floor and didn’t have an option to buy those.”
Me: “Stop it, it’s fine. I like sitting in the back of a church anyways. More comfortable that way.” I think there was a priority to pastors in the Chicagoland area get the good seats. Stadium is not filled and my mom is nervous that this is not going to be a good concert. Our friends are sitting two sections over…
Mom: “I hope they like it…”
Me: “They will…” Fuck they might never be friends with you again after this event.
The lights go dark and Christian rock music is fucking pumping!! Omg I think I might have a heart attack! Can the production guy turn the down the base? Holy shit, they love Jesus and must want him to hear as well.
Joel walks out….everyone is fucking going ape shit!! I love people watching right now. My mom is smiling so hard.
Joel: “God Bless you Chicago, I love that I’m here and are you ready to be a changed person when you walk out?”
My mind is exploding, how the fuck did I end up at a Joel Osteen Concert? This Mega-Church Preacher…omg Christine I never thought I would see the day.
He starts with a joke like he always does on TV…and into the message and lesson of his story.
Joel: “Don’t spend your energy on yesterday’s baggage. Don’t bring it into the next day. Forgive yourself and it will be a hard to forgive yourself. If anyone has done you wrong, God is a good vindicator. Make no mistake, God will give you tenfold what you deserve.”
Everyone: “Amen” from random people in the attendance. I like the fucking participation. Maybe I will say Amen randomly too.
Then we meet Joel’s Mom and see a video of her battling cancer 40 years ago. I’m instantly bailing the fact the Grandma is alive and walks on stage. I love you Grandma Osteen!!
Another heart pumping performance by the Christian Rock Band and Jonathon is in the band, Joel’s son. I’m already on a first name basis with the family. Fuck, can’t they turn this shit down?
Victoria Osteen comes out and gives a sermon on stage. She sounds phony as hell….I am now wondering if she gives Joel some good blow jobs with bible music playing in the background …Then Joel walks back on stage…my mom is crying.
Mom: “I love him.”
Me: “Jesus Christ”…I’m rolling my eyes.
Joel: “A professor gives out a test and asks the class, if you could have a C on this exam and not take the exam. Would you take it? 2/3rd of the class raise their hands. The professor dismisses the class and the students are extremely happy to not take the Exam. He starts handing the exam to the remaining students. He gives them all A’s just for putting their names on the paper. He tells the remaining students to never settle for a “C”. That’s what people do, they settle and are are never really happy. You never will propel yourself and do what you love, if you settle for a C.”
Fuck, I would have taken that C any day of the week and ran!!!! I was a shitty student and my C’s were like A’s to me. I do like the message and will strive to do better and not settle for anything better than what I worked hard for and deserve. Shit, I still do like that C thou.
Some more rock shit, other pastors from Chicagoland Churches gave 2 minute declarations, fucking love it! Haha I can’t stop laughing that I’m here.
Dr. Paul Osteen comes out to talk about “World Vision”. What the fuck is this? He is Joel’s older brother and not that good looking. That’s a shame that Joel stole all the good looks. He starts talking about how he goes over to Rwanda for 5 months out of the year. These people need help. Gees, is Sarah McLachlan or Sally Struthers coming out?
Joel: “We have sponsored Pedro and he is doing so much better with our generous support to make a better life for him.”
Victoria: “You can make a difference by sponsoring a child for $38/month and make a difference, like we did for Pedro.”
You have got to be fucking kidding me? Omg…then a 4 minute video plays about their work with “World Vision”, their charitable organization in Africa.
Victoria: “I have Pedro framed in my kitchen where I can see him all the time and pray.”
Joel: “If you sponsor a child tonight, I will personally shake your hand and thank you for your contribution.”
Mom: “I think I need to adopt a child.”
Me: “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Mom: “I want to shake his hand and touch his hair.”
Me: “I don’t think touching his hair is apart of the fucking deal. Plus you can adopt one of my children. How about Denny? He only needs $30 a month and that’s a steal.”
Mom: “I do have a new kitten that is really expensive.”
Me: “I’m not fucking waiting for you to shake Joel’s hand, this is insane. You can take Uber home.”
I’m starting to get a little tired…this has now been two hours of Jesus.
Victoria: “Now we are going to ask for your help to give a “seed” and continue to our growth through Jesus’s love.”
Joel: “Don’t feel that you have to contribute, but any little contribution helps. We understand times are hard and appreciate anything you can give.”
People are walking through the aisles with an offering bucket.
Mom: “Omg is this an offering?”
Me: “They just asked to sponsor a child and now give to the fucking “seed”.” What about my seed? My house is falling apart. I grab a dollar out of my purse and so does my mom. We are now laughing so fucking hard.
Me: “I can not believe this shit? Is this to pay for his million dollar jet?” Fuck, I need to be a mega-church preacher.
We jam out with Jonathon Osteen…my heart is still pumping. It will be a miracle if no one dies of a heart attack or goes deaf from this music.
Joel: “This is my bible, I am what it says I am…blah, blah, blah….In Jesus name, Good Bless you. We all have struggles, I don’t like my job, people bring me down, I will never make enough money, I don’t have the time to make a change, stop making excuses and announce “It’s finished” from this day forward. It doesn’t change who you are, you are giving permission to not settle for less. Say “It’s finished”. Blah, blah, blah, Jesus, blah, blah, and blah. Get in a good bible church and God will take you places you never dreamed.”
Me: “Yes Amen”
He talked for another 30 minutes or so. I was seriously needing a bed or a stiff drink at this point. My mom still fucking smiling.
Joel: “Now if you have been changed for the better after this event, please stand up.”
Mom: “Fucking stand up.”
Mom: “You better stand the fuck up, I’m good with myself”.
Me: “Haha okay.”
I stand up and so does other’s….omg I think this might be a cult. Are they going to hand out poison when you walk out. My legs are numb and my ass is asleep, so it feels good to stand.
Joel: “Have value in your life and put respect to it…blah, blah, blah…God Bless you and Amen.”
Lights go on and people are leaving. Instantly the women’s washroom has a 2 hour wait and everyone else is buying t-shirts, books, and other crap from a Joel Osteen booth.
Wow…What a million dollar machine this is. How many cities has he visited? We walk out and there’s already people preaching on the street about God. Not to mention every single homeless person is outside, fucking smart.
I did enjoy his concert, but feel there needs to be wine served at this event. He has a nice positive message.
The next day…
Mom: “I have regretted not sponsoring a child…”
Day after that…
Mom: “I’ve bought a t-shirt on the internet.” Is she going to wear this around town?
Me: “Hahaha you have got to be fucking kidding?”
This guy still makes money after these concerts. So fucking crazy and my mom has a boner for this guy. I wish I had this fucking attitude…All I hear are my kids acting fucking crazy downstairs and wondering how I could go back to College again…damnit and God Bless all of you.