Goose

I saw my old golf coach at Otto’s a little awhile ago. He didn’t care for me that much, only coached me a year or so. I said “hi” to him and small chatted for a bit, then went back to sit with my family. Then he randomly yells, “Hey, Christine! Remember when you killed a goose?!” Starts laughing…what a fucking dick. Of course I remember asshole, how could I forget? Still traumatized from it….

I was 14 years old, leaving 8th Grade and about to start my Freshman year in High School. I wanted to play volleyball. I fucking sucked and never made the team in Junior High. All my friends were volleyball players. My parents were trying to talk me out of this sport and I was fucking persistent at trying to play. My best bud was a good volleyball player and asked me to go to a “U of I Volleyball Camp”. That’s a great idea, to brush up on my skills…what fucking skills? My parents couldn’t fucking believe this shit…they ended up paying for the camp and I got dropped off for the weekend. Sweet.

When we got there, we had to do some drills to see what volleyball group you were in for the weekend. One station, you had to jump as high as you fucking could and hit these pegs. Some college kid then would measure it and you had two attempts at it. First jumped sucked….now I’m really going to fucking gear down and jump like a champ. I fucking spring up and hit the pegs…YES!…coming down…I fucking rolled my ankle hard. HOLY SHIT, OUCH! My ankle is throbbing.

I saw the College Trainers, wrapped my ankle and I sat out the whole weekend. I called my parents on a payphone and told them what happened. I think they fucking popped champagne and bought me new set of golf clubs. I came home and they literally said, “your trying out for golf, no discussion”. I really wanted to play a sport, but couldn’t with this bum ankle…fuck it, I’ll try-out for golf.

It’s 1996 and there’s no girls golf team in High School. So, I tried out for the boys team…talk about everyone fucking staring…I was shitting in my pants all the time. Praying I wouldn’t top the ball or shank it off the first tee. The coaches gave me a chance….I was one of the worst players on the Frosh-Soph Team. Shooting about 51 for 9 holes. Always 6th man during tournaments and playing against the worst teams. I had to walk with confidence, even though inside I was fucking dying. Luckly, I had two brother’s on the golf team with me. I was protected, no doubt about that.

Everyday at golf practice and during tournaments, I tried my best to not make an ass out of myself and prove I could be on the team.

One day we had a golf tournament after school at the Village Links. I of course, was not fucking picked to play, but our coaches still made us practice. On Tournament days we would play the course and not be on the driving range. I teed off in the middle of the pack of boys, who didn’t play either. Then the tournament would start to follow us and we could watch our teammates come in on the 9th hole.

I get to the second hole and you have to hit over a little water. There were a ton of fucking geese in and out of the water. Being on the boys team, I had to play from the fucking men’s tee’s. I repeat, I was 14 and had to fucking play from the men’s tees. The geese were pretty far out for me to run up and try to scare them. I grabbed my 3 wood. Why didn’t I own a driver? I don’t know…I decided to fucking tee it up. I won’t hit one and they will all scatter….Yep, you can guess what happen’s next…

BOOM! Oh shit, what do I do? My team mate and I couldn’t believe it and start walking to our balls. The goose is laying there next to my ball. Did I kill it? It’s starts moving like crazy! Holy shit, my ball broke it’s neck! It was still alive, but couldn’t move it’s neck. It was flapping it’s wings everywhere and causing more harm to itself. I hurry up and hit my ball and got the fuck out there. I felt terrible…I played the rest of the 2nd hole. Then played the 3rd hole. Now I walk up to the 4th hole, a par 3. From the tee box on the 4th hole, you are parallel to the water on the 2nd hole.

The goose was laying there dead in the middle of the fairway. You should’ve seen this thing. Feathers were everywhere and a wing sticking up. My teammate and I could not fucking believe it. All these other boy golfers were coming through and seeing this goose laying there…poor fucking goose, I’m sorry.

I come up to the 9th hole and put this fucking shit behind me, nothing I can do. At the 9th green, there is a starter who gives you a free coke for playing 9 holes in good time. I finished my putt and walk off. He approaches me and says…
Starter: “Did you kill a goose?”
Me: My face turns red instantly, “yes”
Starter: “Well, that’s a $5,000 dollar fine.”
Me: “What?!” But it was an accident! I was so far way and the geese were all over the place!”
Starter: “Sorry that’s the law…”
He could tell, I looked panicked. He finally said he’s joking and it’s not a fine. Holy fucking shit, super cruel joke. The starter was a friend’s dad that I never met. Fuck me. 

My parents came out and walked the course, because my older brother was in the tournament. They finished watching and walked up to me.
Mom: “Wow there’s a dead goose on the course.”
Me: “I did it.”
Mom: She about fucking died and my dad shit his pants. “That was you! Omg that’s terrible Christine.”
Me:“Like I mean’t to kill it!”
Dad: “That’s terrible, poor goose, I wouldn’t tell people it was you.”

To late, it was all over the golf course. My mom even started honking like a goose at me. Seriously mom, get the fuck away from me. I couldn’t escape this news. Everyone was finding out it was me. I wanted run and drive away.

I will ever will live this down, especially as a freshman who is just trying to prove herself. I should’ve fucking tried out for volleyball…damnit.
GolfTeam.Goose_d200

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