Maxipad

Maxi pad, Sanitary Napkin/Towel, Kotex, Menstural Pad
“To help prevent scatter in your underwear.”

I wrote the company “Always” to congratulate them on a great maxi pad product, “fucking job well done”. Not only did I bleed for 30 days after a shitty miscarriage, but this pad was my floatation device for a whole month. I seriously needed this product.

I always try to stay positive in crappy situations. I really had to be thankful for the maxi pad, because it could’ve of been way worse. So, I tricked my brain into thinking I had it really good. In looking back at the history of maxi pads, I had it fucking great!

History of the “Pad”

So, Sanitary Pads (shit, these words are making me cringe…so does moist panties…gross, sorry, I digress)…Sanitary Pads have been known to be around since the 4th century. That’s a fucking long time. This one crazy ass awesome chick, named Hypatia, was around 4th Century AD. She had her period, apparently got pisst off at this guy. She used a menstrual rag to fucking throw at an admirer to discourage him. A little grossed out about this event? Me too. I just would’ve told him, “I sharted and its a mess” and if that didn’t work, then I guess I would’ve been like Hypatia and  thrown my shit rag at him. For Hypatia, in Greece, this is how you handle these types of situations, you throw a period rag at a guy. She wasn’t fucking messing around and really meant it. Women back then used strips of cloth during that time of the month. Which is why the term “on the rag” is used to refer to a menstrual period.

I fucking hate that term “on the rag”. My brother would ask me in High School “if I was on the rag?”. It would drive me nuts, not to mention embarrass the hell out of me. I should’ve taken my pad out and threw at him, like Hypatia did. That would have taught him a lesson. When my dad found out I got my period. He literally ran out of of the house, got into his car, and drove out of the driveway. Fucking nice.

Now, 1888 disposable pads were invented by an idea of Benjamin Franklin’s. He had created a pad that was used to help stop the bleeding on wounded soldiers. Nurses started using these pads to take care of their own personal business, when it was needed. I would’ve totally faked being a nurse in 1888, to get my hands on these pads. Not addressing wounds of soldiers needs, but hoarding these supplies.

After that, disposable pads were starting to become manufactured by Johnson and Johnson and Kotex.

Pads were in fucking high demand now and expensive as shit in the 1900’s…so women still made their own pads at home. They would use fabrics, cotton wool, and materials they found around their house. Could you imagine? 2017, walking around your house looking for this shit? Let’s see here…one of my husbands socks, kids stuffed animal, and my shoe lace to tie this shit down to my underwear. Done.

Later in the 1920’s, when the pads were becoming more affordable. Women were to embarrassed to actually purchase pads in the store. They would walk up to a clerk and place the money on the counter, no questions asked. The clerk would put some disposable pads in a bag. OMG HAHAHA wtf you have got to be kidding? I should try this at the store tomorrow. I will casually walk up to the customer service counter. I will place money down and see what they give me. Maybe I will put a hat on with sunglasses, so no one knows its me. Sometimes the past can be so fucked up.

Omg reading about girdles….ugh brutal I can not relate, but feel sorry for this generation. These things would help make sure the pad doesn’t slip around. I’m not even commenting on girdles, because I am grossed out and want to move on.

Thank the lord in the late 1980’s, there was an adhesive sticky fucking thing invented to help keep that shit in place. Why has it taken it this long to help put women’s mind at ease? Finally an adhesive Pad. Only took millions of years to get this right. Now, there’s all different sizes, thin, overnight, wings, you name it, companies got it.

Now in 2017, when I wrote the company, “Always”. I explained my crappy situation and thanked them for not making me wear a rag, a solider’s bandage from the 1800’s, bootleg pads in the 20’s, or a girdle. I also included some new packaging ideas for them as well to see if that would help out in making their product really shine.

Marketing ideas

1. Maybe some jokes? On the wrapper, it says “knock Knock” or “Why did Bloody Mary Cross the road?” When you open up the pad, you get the answer. Instant smile to your face, right?
2. Great quotes from Hypetia, Bloody Mary/Virgin Mary, Mother Theresa, Alessandra Ambrosio (VS model who actually endorses “Always”), or “Fuck your on the rag? Don’t let that get you down, or at least it’s not a girdle, right?” I would feel a sense of relief right there, using a maxi pad.
3. HoneyBadgers all over the pad, saying “Honeybadgers don’t give a shit”. (That Youtube video is so fucking funny.) Or Jaw’s?! Maybe it might be to scary seeing a shark coming towards your vagina. Maybe that’s a marketing fail?
4. Or a really fucking hot guy on the package? There could be a “Pad Guy” of the month like a calendar. Every time you buy these products, your excited to see who is Mr. April, May and June is?
5. The Company “Always”, needs to write a request form to the grocery stores to put tampons and pads right in front of the store when you walk in. Seriously, it deserves some love since the 1920’s. As you walk in, the Pads are right next to the pumpkins or donuts. That would be fucking hilarious. I would tell the boys to pick me up a few boxes and to grab a donut while your at it.

THEY WROTE ME BACK!!

Hi Christine,

Thanks for reaching out to Always. I appreciate your kind words and loyalty.

It is pretty flipping amazing that you have kept your wry sense of humor through all that you have been through. I shared your email with my little Team of FemCare Gals, and we were cracking up.

I am glad to hear you could rely on our pads – despite the reason that led you to them.

I will definitely forward your email to the Design and Marketing Teams. It should totally get their attention. They are sooooo tired of women asking for free chocolate bar and ice cream vouchers in their FemCare packaging!

Please kindly reply with your mailing address, including zip code. I will happily send you out a $5.00 coupon toward your next Always purchase. I’m also going to throw in one for Olay, so you can pamper yourself a little at this tender time. Look for them in your postal mail in 7-10 business days from the time your reply is received.

Christine,thanks again for taking the time to share; everyone is so busy these days, so I know this took extra effort. If you have any other comments or questions (or sarcastic remarks!), please do not hesitate to reconnect.

Have an Epic Weekend!

Lisa
~Always Team

I did of course reply back and got another email!

Hi Christine,

Thank you so much for your honest response and sharing your contact information with us here at Always. I had a hard time not distracting my neighbors when LOL’ing (literally), when reading your reply. I will be sending out the coupon Lisa promised. Like she said, it will take about 7-10 business days to reach you via postal mail.

Christine, thank you again for your candid suggestions and patronage to us at Always. Please don’t hesitate to reach back out if there is anything else we can assist you with!

Enjoy the wine!
Aleanndra
~Always Team

I got my $5 coupons in the mail. Totally fucking scored and going to give them to Chris and the boys next time they go shopping. Who should I write next?