Tucker’s Chime Recital

Happy Autism Awareness Month!

Autism month is always a nice way for my family to reflect on Tucker’s Journey and look back on the year. I wasn’t sure what I really wanted to write about. I cry and laugh all fucking year long…we all do as parents. Even if you are not a parent, we all have crazy shit that rocks our world and then need to laugh about it later. I wanted to keep this in true swearing lady form and laugh at the end of the day. That’s what it’s all about, coming out on top and making ourselves stronger for everyone else. I honestly wouldn’t be who I am today, without Tucker. He’s the fucking best, wouldn’t change it for anything. I seriously let a lot go, you have to. I love living a life of “not giving a fuck”…there’s bigger things like watching Tucker grow surrounded by the most amazing people.
Let’s get down to it….


Oh man! Tucker has turned up his Chimes game. The Chimes class ended up changing the classroom and building in January. It seriously was night and day. The old classroom was in the basement of an older building with no windows. Whereas, now! FUCK! Updated classroom windows and nice desk/chairs. Huge difference for Tucker. He was smiling more and could walk into the classroom without throwing a fit. To just look out the window or fucking swivel in a chair…Instant mood boost for all.

Tucker even started participating! What?! He finally figured out the routine of Chimes. It took him 5 months. This happened with school too. Took him the same time to finally get the routine of school. I got bad note after fucking bad note from school…Gosh, I don’t know how much more I can take these notes…shit, did I make a bad decision sending him to an inclusion classroom?….Nope, just takes him a longer to adjust and finally see the fucking light. Must have been all that church I went to this year. Everyone at school and chimes sees the potential in him and grateful for Tucker’s soft heart.

Tucker and I are now ringing the fuck out of these chimes each week. Ring, Ding, Dong, let’s hit these notes. He would get a juice box and fruit snacks for his participation in chimes, sometimes even McDonalds. I’m fucking love it and loving me some Chimes.

It felt good to not have Chimes be a complete bust. It’s the first thing we ever signed Tucker up for. All we do is cater to Patricks activities and now Denny. Denny is now passing Tucker up with daily routines and sports. I knew this day would come, I didn’t realize it would be this soon. Well, Denny acts 18 years old now, bosses us around, has a job, gone through puberty, tell us all to go fuck ourselves, and can drive. He’s only fucking 3 years old. Wow he grew up fast…I should have known this would come sooner than later…

We start to practice Fur Elise and the instructor has given each kid in class two chimes to play. Tucker has the most minimal part. I’m super proud of just having him participate. Everyone in class is noticing too. Fuck, feels good.

We get through a month and half with Chimes and Tucker has been doing great. We have our last practice before our recital. Tucker was a fucking noodle and I had to hold him up like a puppet to even participate. Come on buddy, you have been doing great…what’s going on now? Shit, I hope he just walks through door at the auditorium next week.

In the midst of gearing up for Tucker’s huge performance. I chipped my front veneer (which was bound to happen. It was fucking cracked and have had it since I was 17 years old.), I ran a half marathon (call me fucking crazy, it’s my friend who asked me…is fucking crazy), and got my wisdom taken out (wtf, don’t people do that in high school?)… All in the same week…yup, all in the same week. It’s been fucking insane for me.

In the midst of all my shit, I wanted to make sure I was on my A game for Tucker and Chimes. We’ve worked way to hard to get to this point. I have spent many hungover Saturdays ringing these damn bells, not going to back down now. Fucking committed.

It’s Recital Day!

Chris wakes me up at 6:30 am Saturday.

Chris: He whispers…”I have to fly to Kansas City for a heart team.”
Me: “Fucking lovely. Is anyone is up?”
Chris: “Yea, Tucker.”
He leaves…I instantly fall back to sleep. I hear Patrick get up next. Good a real adult to take care of Tucker. Then Denny…walks in my room.

Denny: “Momma are you waking up?”
Me: “No.”
Denny: “Okay.”

5 minutes later

Denny: “Momma are you waking up?”
Me: “No.”
Denny: “Okay.”

5 minutes later

Denny: “Mom get up…I have no underwear!”
I look over…Denny is naked….ugh…such an angry little naked man.
Denny: “Get up now mommy and get me my underwear!!”
Me: “Just air out for awhile.”
Denny: “MOMMY! GET UP!”
I lay there…fuck where is Chris again? Why on a Saturday? Why is my a rude 3 year old such a little bitch?
Me: “Alright, I’m up.”

I get through the morning and recruit my mom to help me with the kids during the recital. We pull into the parking lot and walk into the auditorium to find a seat. There’s a huge piano on the stage. Wow, it’s beautiful and something you would never find in someone’s home…or I think? or I know nothing about music…I seriously should not be talking anything about music. I’m an idiot.

I realize I didn’t grab a program and walk back to go get one. A young man is rocking back and forth and is so nervous. “I’m so nervous, I can’t do this,  I can’t do this, I’m so nervous”. Shit, I’m glad to know everyone else is as nervous as me. We see all these families coming in with kids who are apart of the Special Ed Music Program. A young lady in front me of was rocking back and forth and her dad is whispering… “shhh” like a little baby to calm her from rocking. I finally feel kinda of normal here. All the parents are doing something to calm their child down in the most friendly way. Hmmm makes me feel at peace.

Wow…I look at the program. There’s 15 performances and Tucker is 14.
Me: “Tucker you ready?”
Tucker: “Yup.”
Me: “Your going to have to go up on stage.”
Tucker: “Yup”.  While his hands are busy running his fingers along the arm of his chair.
Fuck he’s so confused, this is going to be difficult.

The first few kids are announced for their piano recitals. Short and sweet, fucking nice…we are flying through this recital. My mom keeps reaching in a plastic baggy and pulling out candy after candy. The sound is so loud in a quiet auditorium. Gees, she reminds me of Nana. Nana would always be digging around for shit in her purse when she had to sit quietly somewhere. She would grab a nail file out start doing her nails, pull out hard candy and suck on it, or start rearranging her wallet…fucking ridiculous. Now, Nana Jr over here is digging around for another candy and making noise with the bag. Can’t her and Denny be fucking quiet?

Then the nervous boy who I saw in the beginning is up next. He’s walking and swinging side to side. He has an aide that helps him up the stairs. He bows awkwardly. He is moving forward and backward fucking violently as he sits on the chair…then suddenly his hands touch the piano. His fingers are fucking gliding on the keys. Holy shit, this kid is amazing and has taken over the auditorium. You couldn’t believe what you were watching. My eyes were filling up with tears.

I look down at Tucker and suddenly I thought I was going to burst out crying. This was the first thing we have ever attended of his. We are always running to Patrick and Denny’s activities. It made me really want to cherish the moment even more. Damit, Christine keep it together. I start imagining random things in my brain to turn off the water works. Hmmm this is a nice auditorium…I wonder if Chris is going to make the performance or be late?…man I hate asshole people.

I look over at my mom and she is bailing her ass off…oh wtf, this doesn’t help me…I can’t even look at her. I didn’t realize how emotional this was going to be.

Speaking of asshole people, Denny is now becoming an asshole and keeps asking me when it’s time to go and will not stop whining. Annnnd back to reality.
Me: “You need to be quiet.”
Denny: “Nooooooo…” Whiny as fuck.
He’s had an obscene amount of sugar to get him through the first few performances. Now candy is not working anymore…
Me: “Here’s my phone.”
Denny: “Ugh darnit it doesn’t work.”
The wifi is terrible in the auditorium and the screen keeps trying to refresh…shit.
Me: “Denny be quiet.” I’m losing my patience, because I’m so emotional.
Denny: “That’s not fair.” Seriously shut the fuck up. You are not fair.

I look at Tucker again…
Me: “You are going to have to get up on stage soon.”
Tucker: “Yup.”
I hope that yup is “Mom I’ve got this and going to participate in the recital.”

A girl with Down Syndrome get’s up and took the most graceful bow ever. I could not stop smiling. It looks as though she has fucking been practicing her curtsey for months. She still needed some practice and had a few mishaps…she got up again and graceful curtsey with the biggest fucking smile. My heart was just singing for these kids. Nothing else mattered in my life, but watching all these kids perform and their parents video tapping and taking pictures. You take the perfect moments on social media for granted. This is what perfect looks like and am thankful for it.

Suddenly Chris shows up and the kids are excited to see him. Denny needs some entertainment. I didn’t think Denny was going to be such a gigantic cocksucker at the recital. So happy Chris is here to deal with his shit.

One boy get’s up and starts playing the theme song to Mario Brothers on the piano. I see Patrick smiling. He leans over and tells my mom he already knows how to play this song. Wtf is that kid smoking? He has never had a piano lesson. Patrick is starting to become a pathological liar at the age of 8…I lied a lot as a kid too, so I guess it runs in the family. My mom just smiles and nods at him, like your full of shit.

Suddenly we are next.
Me: “Tucker you ready?”
He looks around kinda of suspiciously…
Tucker: “Umm no.”
Me: What happened to yup? “Come on Tucker, let’s go line up with your class.”
Tucker: “I don’t want to go.” There’s panic in his face. Fuck I knew this was going to happen.
Me: “I have fruit snacks and juice box after the performance.”
Looks at me and stops resisting. I quickly grab his hand and walk over to the rest of class standing by the stage.

He is now fucking pisst when we get by his class and turns into a noodle. I keep whispering juice box and fruit snacks. Amazing how he straightens up for that shit. I guess I would to if someone whispered wine, chips and salsa, vodka, beef jerky, more wine.

Again I take him by his hand and start walking on stage. He instantly is walking one way and I’m walking the other. I won’t let him go and he’s giving Chris a thumbs down. FUCK! I’m standing on stage in front of people and can feel my face burning up. He sits on the ground and I nod at the instructor. Let’s begin. This is the best I can do.

One of the classmates starts….

I feel sweat dripping down my back and into my butt. I turn and look and he’s crotched down behind me. I will not let him leave, your fucking owning this Tucker. No way are you leaving my side. We’ve worked way to hard for this moment. The instructor nods at me. I try to ring my chime. Damnit I need to do better than that…weak.

I look at the audience once. Oh gosh, this is humiliating. Don’t look again….my back is wet and so is my shirt. I should’ve worn a tank top for sure.

I touch Tucker and he precedes to now lay on the ground. Wow…kid, a whole new low for us. We get through the moment and he runs off stage. My mom and Chris are just staring at me. I think they were scared of my reaction. Am I gonna laugh or cry? In my head I sat and thought…I’m gonna make the biggest fucking vodka when I get home and I’m super sweaty.

The last group is now performing. I again was brought back to reality watching these kids with special needs jump into performance mode. So fucking humbling.

The recital is over and awards were given out. Tucker even got a participation award. He ran up and got it. wtf…you’ll grab your reward, but not perform? After it was all said and done. I walked to the car and another mom stopped me and said I needed a participation reward. No fucking shit….and a new shirt.

Happy Autism Awareness Month

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