New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions are so fucking easy….

I actually love fucking January 1st. Gives me a moment to reflect on the year. Regardless of what happened in the year, you can always reflect on what was awesome or fucking wipe the slate clean. Like most people, I made a list of shit I wanted to work on for the New Year. Fucking bring it on January 1st, I’m so changing for the better.

GOING ON A FUCKING DIET…..

The amount of shit I ate and alcohol I consumed, was impressive during the holidays. SO let’s diet…YES, it will be so much fun. Actually it fucking sucks. I’m supposed to be on a no sugar and give up alcohol diet…fucking what? I’m still trying to figure out what day I’m actually going to start this. My days are long with kids, ABA therapy for Tucker, mom duties, and any other shit that slaps you in the face that day. Alcohol is the only cure for mediating my brain…..yummmm, taste so good when it touches your lips and my shoulders drop. I even think I said “I love you” to one of my kids. Okay I NEED A BETTER PLAN…Is there a diet for alcohol? or do I not fucking eat and just drink my calories? Is there a vodka cleanse? I did get sick one week and lost a few pounds. Maybe that’s the diet for me. I will lick a desk at my kids school and lose the necessary pounds through illness. See, easy.

WORKING ON MY BLOG!

Omg this is MY fucking year. Last year I could not find the time to write. It felt impossible to carve out time and had a little writers block. I never REALLY know what to write about, til it fucking hits me and comes. I also needed to update my website and figure out subscribers. Not going to put this off anymore.  

Denny: “Mom, Can I have Candy?” 

Me: “Sure.” Where was I? Oh yea….

Patrick: “Mom it smells like cat poop.” 

Me: “That sounds gross, I’ll light a candle and just ignore it.”  So, I am going to sit down and type something. 

Tucker: “Mom I’m waiting for Apple Juice.” 

Me: “Oh yea, I forgot you have been waiting.” Fuck this shit, I’ll type later. I have no creative juice.

GET MORE SWEARINGLADY CONTENT OUT THERE

Yea going to type the fuck out of typing and post more shit on instagram. Damn, I have nothing and don’t feel funny. I never really want to vent or sound bitchy, which how is exactly how I feel at this moment….there’s always tomorrow.

MEDITATE MORE

I took Mediation classes last spring, that I absolutely loved it. I really enjoyed the quiet time. Ahhh you feel that shit? It’s a quiet recharge. So you can be more productive throughout your day. Why doesn’t the government approve this and make it mandatory to meditate? Back to my normal routine…Who the fuck has time to mediate? Time is never on my side. I believe there’s only “time” for people who are older, retired, and don’t have kids asking them for a million snacks a day…I NEED MORE TIME TO MEDITATE SO I DON’T LOSE MY MIND. I’ll put that on my to do list. Interesting how it never gets crossed off. 

MAKE SOME FUCKING BANK YO! We all need more money.

Show me the monneyyyy!!!! Actually, where the fuck is the money? Ever since Christmas, money is going out the door. Let me be realistic, it’s fucking flying out at 100 mph. I feel like I’m in a game show trying to catch the money in that glass telephone booth, it’s flying everywhere and I’m shoving it down my shirt. Then I have no tits, so it’s fucking flying back out of my shirt. Things keep breaking down and I’m trying to payoff debt. I’m thinking of a job…a part time job…whore. What do you think? A nice whore thou. I will walk up and down my street and ask anyone I pass….Me: “Do you need me to service those tired bones?” That’s a good pick up line right? I need to talk in code, so I don’t get arrested. Or I could try to find some shit to sell for $1 on facebook. I most likely will be asked to negotiate down for .50 cents and sold. Need to find the green. 

THE OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE NEEDS PLASTIC SURGERY…

Omg the outside…my poor fucking house. The fence in the backyard is rotting. The dog keeps pushing at the boards from the bottom to see if they “give way”. She’s gotten out a few times in December. Epic day with the police, chasing the dog down Pennsylvania Ave and stopping traffic both ways. I’m running with the cop and the dog almost took off towards the train tracks, while everyone is staring. We finally catch her.

Cop: “Not you again? I don’t know if I should give you a ticket or throw you in jail.” 

Me: “I’m sorry…fuck, our fence is falling apart!” He’s not serious about jail right? 

Cop: “It’s okay, were lucky your dog didn’t start running towards the tracks.” Chris shows up with the car now….jumps out and is wet from getting out of the shower.

Chris: “I’m so sorry.”

Cop: “Oh good to see you again.” Suddenly I started walking away, realizing we just left our 3 kids home alone.

We still need to do a fall clean up, which has now become a deep spring clean up…I am a landscapers daughter. You would not know it by looking at my house. Also, our banister fell off the front steps haha literally fucking crumbled and died. I keep apologizing to anyone that comes up our front steps to not die. Let’s see here, what else, oh yea the paint is literally falling off the house. The only thing I can do to help the appearance of my house, is to place slutty skeletons out in front yard for Halloween and make a drunk snowman in the winter. The house is definitely a 2019 goal. Wait, where is this money coming from? Whore fund?

FUCKING HEALTHY/FITNESS AND GET THAT ASS IN SHAPE!

To be honest, the only one pushing me to get to the gym is my 4 year old Denny. I go to put him into the Children’s Activity Center for two hours of freedom! So, I might as well do a workout class, since I’m there. He keeps me in check, while Chris has been pushing a diet. I’m super supportive, but I cheat. Me: “Is that Beer Nuts Bar mix from Menards?” So good, I’ll put a few in my mouth. That doesn’t hurt a diet right?

RUNNING A RACE OR WHATEVER 

Yea, still haven’t signed up for anything yet. Fuck, maybe one with a beer at the end? Does anyone know of a race with beer? 

GOING TO FUCKING BE POSITIVE EVERYDAY FROM HERE ON OUT…no negativity.

I want to soak in more positive shit. I want to spread it everywhere I go. Chris practically shits out rainbows, I want to do that too. Well, that’s really hard to do, when your four year is the most negative person on the planet. 

Denny: “Where’s my iPad? Your so rude if you don’t find it.” Shit that’s harsh for 7:00 am. 

Denny: “This chapstick is disgusting and I can’t breathe.” Whining, crying, more whining. Sticks his tongue out and is screaming at me. We are trying to get out the door. His lips were cracked from the cold. My god kid, pull it together. The day is still early. 

Denny: “I want spaghetti O’s.” He picked them out at the store with Super Mario Bro’s on it. He keeps asking me to make it everyday. I finally made it. Denny: “What is this? This looks disgusting. I’m not eating this.” I try to stand my ground. This kid is beyond frustrating! We are going to school I need him eat something. Fuck, now I’m grilling him a cheeseburger FUCK THIS KID!!!! so much wasted money on food. THIS KID IS MAKING MY DAY GO DOWN THE DRAIN AND IS DRIVING ME APE SHIT! THERES NOTHING POSITIVE LEFT OR ANDY GOOD VIBES. HE’S SATAN’S SON AND HAS STOLEN ALL HAPPY THOUGHTS…LITERALLY. GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!!!…Wow, I need to calm down.

WORK ON MY BLOG

Oh crap, do I still have writers block? I just emailed my friend to say how much I fucking hate all youtube videos on getting my new website and mail chimp running, I’m in computer hell right now, and want to to die (wow that was a bit strong, sorry trying to stay positive and finally dropped Denny off at school). Okay, snap out of it. I have 15 blog posts started on my desktop and not finished one. FUCK. Just post content Christine!! 

NEED MORE MONEY…WAIT, WAS THIS ALREADY A RESOLUTION? 

Hmmm…Okay, I need to cancel the Daily Herald and random magazine subscriptions…right there is $300 saved a year. No time for periodicals. Call the Daily Herald, Automated Robot: “Our office hours are from 7:00 am to noon.” I look at the clock it’s fucking 1:30. Wtf kinda of hours are these? Okay, call them back tomorrow. It’s now tomorrow and call in the morning. They have no options from their menu about cancelling. I press “0” and now we are negotiating a reduced rate and possible just a Sunday paper. This sales rep is working it. I stand my ground and get it done. Already saving money. YES! Fuck, I’m going to polish some toys. 

BETTER ROUTINES FOR MY KIDS…

The littlest one has been on his iPad all day. Yea, I’m pretty sure that’s not fucking healthy. I take it away. OMG it’s like he’s detoxing from drugs and alcohol. 

Denny: “I need my iPad.”

Me: “No, you have been rude all day and I don’t like what Ryan’s been teaching you.” Ryan is fucking ridiculous….my kid is rotting his brains out, watching him play with his toys.

Denny: “I don’t like you mom.”

Me: “I don’t like you either.” 

Denny: “I’m sending you to jail in China.” Wow…holy fucking shit this conversation just got serious…how does he know about China? Maybe from Ryan on youtube.

Denny: “Can I have my IPad?” What just happened? He’s on repeat. 

Me: “No, no-one is getting electronics today. We need play with toys we have.”

Denny: “Oh come on!!! I hate you mom.” I’m very scared for High School, maybe I should go to China Jail. Then I don’t have to deal with his shit anymore.  

I cracked, I’ve played Candyland twice, chutes and ladders, put together a Transformers puzzle, played the game Sorry, and moved onto an olaf puzzle. Okay, you can have your iPad for one hour. I need a fucking break from you. 

I can’t wait for January 1, 2020…I feel like I need a fucking do-over with 30 days into 2019. How’s your New Year’s Resolutions going?