9-1-1

Spring break is fucking here, I had a moment to reflect on something my brother and I did on vacation. Not a proud moment, but a holy fucking shit moment.

We were visiting Nana after my grandpa passed in 1989. She was little off her rocker and escaped to Florida. Suddenly, she realized she was lonely and needed my family to visit. When we got there, every night we had a reservations and an itinerary. We went to all of her fucking favorite places. Before IPads/Cell Phones...remember when you had to sit at dinner and actually talk to each other? Shit, I mean…sit at dinner and not check your apple watch or phone. AND actually fucking wait till your parents were done eating and drinking?? I sometimes felt like I was never going to leave and would melt in my seat of boredom. My parents would order drink after drink. Interestingly enough, I’ve now actually inherited this trait and my kids can’t stand it. As a kid thou, FUCK! Are we EVER going to leave? There was only so much shit I could fucking color. Nana would have a drink for her “right leg” and then her “left leg before we could even order. I had about 15 cokes by the time Chicken Fingers came. Our dinners were 3 hour adventures. I would go to the bathroom a hundred times just to pass the time. I would wander around the restaurant and didn’t have to even fucking pee. 

One night, we were at a restaurant that had a bathroom upstairs. For some reason it felt amazing as a kid to walk by yourself upstairs to the toilet. The independence was exciting. I’m now an adult! Fuck, checking my little 7 year old self in the mirror. 

My little brother and I kept creeping away together from the table. We both would pee at the same time. In reality we were “fucking around” in the lobby and other places. We couldn’t stand how long dinner was anymore. 

In the lobby there, were a few chairs to sit in, pay-phones, Florida wallpaper, and a bulletin board. We were in a building of some sort with a restaurant in it. There was a lobby for the restaurant, but also a separate lobby for the building. Wtf kind of restaurant is this? I have no idea….just putting the pieces together now totally feels confusing. 

Remember the commercial, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”? Yea you know the one, Life Call. 

That shit was all over the fucking TV when I was a kid. 

“Recently when I became deathly ill. I was able to summon an ambulance, my next door neighbor, my family, and my doctor without picking up a telephone. I used this remote control to contact Life Call, my 24 hour emergency Medical Response Service. Watch just press this button and speak into the air…I’m having chest pains! I’m calling paramedics and your family Mr. Miller….I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!!! We are sending help immediately Mrs. Fletcher….Seeeeee, protect yourself with Life Call and your never alone. To get complete free information by mail about this affordable Medical Emergency Response System, call toll free now…Life call can save your life. So call to get free details by mail right away.”  

Yea now you remember. 

That commercial played over and over, while Andy and I watched fucking Inspector Gadget on Nickelodeon. 

Andy and I have excused ourselves a hundred times from the table and now walking around the lobby…we spot two pay phones. On the payphone there’s a list of informational phone numbers. Then, we fucking see it…..9-1-1. 

Me: “OMG Andy…look there’s 9-1-1.” As I cup my little mouth fucking laughing my ass off. Apparently this emergency number was hilarious.  

Andy: “Oh my goosh…”

Me: “Let’s call it.” 

Our little hands pick up the phone and press 9-1-1.

Dispatch: “911 What’s your emergency?”

We hurry up and fucking hang up the phone. WOW, that was a close one and the adrenaline rush. Our little eyes were bugging out of heads. Holy shit. Giggling all over the place. 

Me: “Should we do it again?”

Andy: “Yea.” 

We dial the number again. 

Dispatch: “911 what’s your emergency? Suddenly something came over me.

Me: “Help! I’ve fallen and can’t get up.” I was quoting the Life Call commerical.

I hurry up and hang up the phone. Andy and I were fucking cracking up. This is the most fun we’ve had all trip and we are dying laughing.

We pick up the phone again and dial 9-1-1. 

Dispatch: “911 what’s your emergency?”

Andy: He pinched his nose to disguise his voice….”Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” and slams the fucking phone down. 

We are rolling on the road…this is the best! Andy was genius to pinch his nose. Perfect old person voice coming out of a 5 year old boy. The police will never suspect it’s us.

We left for awhile and went back to the table. Ordered another coke and my parents were still ordering drinks. After sitting there for awhile…we decided it was time to call 9-1-1 again. The shit kids do when they “go to the bathroom”…fuck, never trusting my kids with the shit I did. AND I was a good kid. 

Andy and I stroll into the lobby and there is a cop there. My face was stunned with horror. Holy shit. I randomly started looking at the bulletin board full of annoucments. Reading it like I knew how to read and was genuinely interested in the community events at the age of 7. 

Cop: “Young Lady did you use the telephone?”

Me:…”no”…My face is on fucking fire…liar liar pants on fire. 

Cop: “Are you sure?”

Andy just fucking bolted and ran back to the table. The cop could totally tell it was us.

Me: “Yea.”

Cop: “I’m going to need to see your parents.” 

Holy fucking shit, I’m so busted. I walked to the table where my parents were sitting and a police officer following me through the restaurant. 

My whole family looked shocked as the police officer told them Andy and I were dialing 9-1-1. I immediately blamed it on Andy.

Me: “It was Andy’s idea!”

Andy: “NO! it was not…it was yours!” He’s right…hoping he would take the fucking fall for this.  

The manager came over and fucking kicked us out of the restaurant. I don’t even know if we paid. When we walked out, there was an ambulance in the front and cop car blocking all this traffic. Shit…all for a lady that had fallen and could not get up. We made the biggest scene outside. 

We all cram into Nana’s Cadillac…I was siting bitch in the front. It was the most god awful feeling in the world having my whole family talk about this situation. “Christine what are you thinking? Where did you learn to do that? How could you do that? You know better than that.” Fuck, little Christine was taking a verbal beating. 

We got to Nana’s condo and I was sent immediately to bed. 

Nana: “What were your thinking? I loved that restaurant.” 

Me: “Sorry Nana.”

She has never yelled at me before….fuck, why did I have to see that payphone. She’s soooooo pisst at me.

Months later that restaurant fucking shut down. My family let it go and had no hard feelings. From then on out…I was on fucking watch every time I left the table to take a fucking piss.