My family is having a great summer….the bullshit is nice too…keeps me humbled…or let’s be honest as a mom, I’m about to have a fucking meltdown.
Kids Fighting all the time….
Denny screaming…which is a norm in the house.
Denny: “Patch hit me.”
Patrick: “He smacked me and then threw a cup of water on me!”
Me: “What? Denny?!” This is actually crazy and Patrick has water all over him. I secretly love that Denny acted like a crazy bitch in a bar and threw water on his older brother’s face He’s only 5 and know it will get worse.
Denny: “No…he he he he he.”
Me: “Stopping laughing…10 minutes time out.” I actually thought it was funny too.
Denny: “Nooooooo” Screaming so loud…get a grip kid, your used to timeouts.
Real life Moment
Therapist: “So Denny just peed on the bathroom floor downstairs.”
Me: WTF? “Really?”
Piss all over the floor…not to mention the ants in the wastebasket was a nice touch to walk into as well. The therapist must think we are animals. No maid will touch this house.
Thoughts and advice about summer…
- WEAR SHOES….Never venture into a bathroom, eating area, where kids are be fucking messy, etc…barefoot. I’m dead serious. The other day I helped Tucker change in a dressing room. He lowered his bathing suit to change and just randomly started peeing on the floor. What the hell? Me: “What are you doing?” He was in complete shock he had no control over his penis. Tucker: “Sorry mom.” I did clean up with a towel, threw it in the garbage. Fuck that shit. Another day, Denny murdered the men’s handicap stall with shit everywhere. My face was in horror and my heart fell to the floor. OMG. I went white and could pass the fuck out. I suddenly realized and counted how many times I had my shoes off in the bathroom. Fucking shoes for life or die.
- Surf social media drunk. It’s way better than sober…you don’t feel like you have to keep up with the anyone, because you can’t remember it. Like and Love all night long…
- Waxing and shaving is a full time job. How do women keep up with this shit? This is a full time job for me. I have three swimming suits to make sure hair and body parts are in check. One sexy mom suit, one “mom” suit, and one omg there’s not enough fabric to cover up all “shit hanging out suit”. It’s tough to keep up with maintenance. Or am I to low maintenance? What would I do, if I lived in Florida or Arizona? Midwest girl for life.
- Always carry butt wipes, shitting happens if you are out the door early and swimming a lot. I’m talking about myself.
- Drinking hot Cabernet during summer is “totally acceptable.” I keep sending Chris out for more bottles. There’s nothing more delicious to see your glass fog up on a 100% humidity day. Deliciousness. I tried super hard to drink Chardonnay once. It was tough and the struggle was real. Red is only way to go after being in the heat.
- I’ve overspent (again) a lot in the past few months. I never thought I needed to budget during summer or maybe I’m in denial? I actually think it’s worst than fucking Christmas. Chris keeps texting me to pull back the spending….I keep hoarding cash under the mattress. It’s the 1900’s over here and I’m ready for the Great Depression. I literally am looking for coins on the streets with the kids.
- Explaining every single fucking thing or even a joke to Patrick, Tucker, and Denny is beyond stressful. Seriously you can not say anything. A million questions come out about our day, what does that mean, then follow up questions. This is how we should interrogate terrorists…with kids that need answers 24/7.
- Summer Construction…I have never seen so much road rage come out of my kids because of it. Kinda of fucking scares me.
- Do you trust others to help your children? I took a little boy to the bathroom a few times this summer, I was helping my fellow mom friend out. He has now taken two shits with me this summer and peed a handful of times. I’m always at the toilet with him and I’m wiping his little ass. After he was done in the bathroom…Little Boy: “I don’t have to wash my hands, because the pool will do that for me.” Me: “Perfectly said and couldn’t agree more”…check and done. His mom will not let me take him to the bathroom with him anymore. Hmmm. I think I might be to low maintenance.
- Never grow up, even if the hangover is worth it. Going to the bar for one more is never fucking silly. If you are drinking a lot more than usual…don’t worry, there’s always New Year’s to get back on track. Freshman 15 is now the summer 15. We just keep gaining weight. Aging is amazing.
- Bugs…The ants are on crack in my house. Fucking fast and have lost their way. In the bathroom, an ant definitely fucked a fly. I have ants with wings in my bathroom and they are dumber than shit. The weakest bug breed ever. Centipedes and spiders in the basement. Long red cantipillars crawling on my house. I just want to light a match and walk away. I can’t even handle. I’m gearing up for stink bugs this fall, damit. How do they survive the polar vortex?
- Kids summer schedules are fucking crazy in the summer. I drove a lot around town. Even got a fucking flat. The joys of the unexpected expenses. These are things that should be said at a first Baby Shower. A “Raw Baby Shower”. That’s what we need.
- Listening….one of the hardest skills ever. I have given out millions of instructions to my kids. For some reason this causes a shit load of stress for me. Veins are literally popping out of my neck. I have a skinny head, so I look fucking nuts talking to my kids. First, brush teeth, grab socks and shoes. That’s it…repeat. Denny are you even listening? Their attention spans are extremely short. I’m just trying to get to the store to buy hot cabernet. God Bless the teachers that help my kids in school this year.
Cheers to the end of the summer…just a few observations I made and I missed typing. Oh and never get the dish. The dish fucking sucks during rain and snow. Midwest problems. Maybe 15 thoughts about summer.