Red Bull and Vodka…don’t do it.

I saw someone drinking a Red Bull and vodka at a party the other night. I immediately had a flash back to College. Fuck, it was quite the night. I came back from my flashback and my eyes were wide. The amount of damage control that was needed, I never want to have “wiiings” again. 

A lot of my friends were gone one weekend in College. So, I asked another group of buddies, if I could tag along with them for the night. “Sure!!”. We pre-drank at a house and then headed out to the Bars at 10:00 pm. Holy shit, I can’t even imagine doing that now. I’m gearing up for a fucking naked face plant at 10:00 pm these days. It’s time to go out and we headed to the bars. I walk in and start sizing up the specials on the drink board. 

Hmmmm what looks good?

Boy they all look yummy, but not sure which one to pick. 

I lean into the bartender

Me: “Which special should I have?” 

Bartender: “How about a Red Bull and vodka?”

Me: “Never had one before.”

Bartender: “They are super popular.” 

Me: “Okay, I will have one.” 

I take my first sip. Fuck, what is this? It’s tart and strange. I keep drinking it, I will get used to it. Reminds me of Gatorade and Vodka or Hooch (please tell me your remember Hooch?) in High School, for some reason that crap tasted better than this shit. Chatting with my friends and another friend comes over.

Friend: “Anyone need a drink? I’m going.” I glance at my drink. Fuck it. 

Me: “Sure…I will do another one of these.” I raise my glass up and motion my friend. I drink my second Red Bull and vodka and getting used to the taste. 

My friends and I are laughing and feel a huge buzz coming on. I get on the dance floor and loving the music. In reality, I’m a manic and my body is crazy free like I’m on fucking crack. Next song comes on….Awwwwwwe shit you hear that beat? I’m bobbing my head and feeling the beat go down into my body. “Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go Shorty it’s your birthday, we are going to party like it’s your birthday. We gonna sip barcardi like it’s your birthday. Because we don’t give a fuck because it’s your birthday. You gonna find me in da club hum mama blah blah blah I got whata need.” Whatever the fuck the lyrics are. I grab my friends attention. I’m getting another drink. I ask for another Red Bull and vodka and dance my way to the bathroom. I must have looked like a fucking idiot. I check my lipstick in the mirror and notice my tongue is neon yellow. Gross, did I eat a glow stick? My pupils are huge and I’m starting to feel fucked up and my heart is racing. What is this shit? How’s is this popular? 

I am on the verge of blacking out from cheap beer and Red Bull vodkas. My friends and I are ready to go to an after hours party. Fuck yes!! My legs are jello as I walk on the sidewalk. I get up the front porch stairs and stumble into the house. I’m looking around the room and don’t recognize people. I walked up to a group and just started chatting. I must have looked like I was out of my god damn mind. Anyways, suddenly I see this bitch walk in the house. I look at her and size her up.

Me: “What are you doing here?”

Girl: “What?”

Me: “You heard me, what are you doing here?”

Girl: “What’s your problem?”

Me: “My problem is you.” I have a this angry bitch face on. A friend of mine walks over to us. 

Friend: “Hey, Christine…she’s cool.” 

Me: “What? Who invited her? Honestly, I have no idea who she is and she just walked through the door. she is definitely not the bitch, I’m the bitch. She probably is the nicest person ever. Mrs. Red Bull is definitely talking.

Friend: “Maybe you need to go home and pass out?”

Me: “I’m fine, what?” Offended a bit that my friend does not have my back. 

Friend: “Yea, maybe you should go to bed…it’s time.”

I look at my friend and narrow my eyes…wtf and left. What an asshole, go home…you fucking go home. Talking to myself in my head, like I always do and even now.

I’m now walking down the sidewalk. Where the fuck is Uber in 2003? I lived far off campus and from the bars. I get my flip phone out and call my friend, who is out of town. I’m slurring and talking about how I wanted to fight a bitch. “Yea I was gonna to knocker down and take heeer out.” My god What I am I talking about? My friend told me to walk to her apartment and sleep at her place. There’s key under the mat. I start heading that way. Her apartment backs up to an alley where all the apartment garages are. 

I suddenly hear a car behind me and I’m trying to get over to the side. In my mind the car was going to fucking hit me. I look back and I’m blinded by the car’s headlights. I suddenly fucking fell into a bush and branches scrap the my arms. I was a mess trying to pick myself up. I dumped my whole purse in the bush. All my crap was everywhere. My shoe strap broke from my wedge heel, ripped the crouch of my Jcrew pants (yes fucking read that right, ripped my crouch), and was bleeding all over my elbows. I said I was a mess before…that was an understatement, I am a wreck.  

I get to my friends apartment and it’s survival mode trying to navigate to her bedroom. I go into her drawers and pull out flannel bottoms and a t-shirt. I put them on and fucking black out in her bed. 

Next Morning

I wake up, shot straight up and looked around. WHERE THE FUCK AM I? You know that feeling and your trying to focus on shit. I look around and see pictures of my college friends. Why am I in her room? What the hell happened last night? I look down and see blood in her bed. Holy shit! Did I get my period?! I hop up and realize it’s from my elbows. WTF why am I bloody? I grab my flip phone and call my roommate.

Me: “Hey, can you pick me up from my friends place?”

Roomie: “Sure. Be there in 15. Everything okay?”

Me: “I’m not sure and feel crazy. Thank you for picking me up.”

When my roommate came to pick me up, she drove down that same alley of garages. I walk to her car and feel my friends flannel pants were ripped in the crouch too. What the fuck did I do last night? I’m trying to cover my ass, get in the passenger seat and think about what happened. It was a fuzzy recollection, but with each hour I had a flash back of the night. I called friends later….

Me: “Hey Friend, what happened last night?”

Friend: “Christine you were out of your mind.”

Me: “What? Shit. I feel out of my mind.” 

I was in bed all day and my face was in shock and horror with each memory flash back I had in my mind. I wanted to fucking fight a chick for looking at me? Hmmm didn’t know I had that kind rage in me. I ran into a bush, ruined my clothes, and got blood in my friends bed. Wow. Nice Christine.

Next week

I drove to the JCrew in Kansas City to get my pants fixed. They were adorable and my favorite. I showed the sales girl what happened.

Sales Girl: “Oh wow, I never have seen this happen before.” My face is RED.

Me: “I know, it’ weird and just happened.” Lying, like my pants just exploded from standing. That would be one powerful crouch if that were true. That should be a new marvel movie with a super hero vagina powers. 

Sales Girl: “These pants are super cute.” 

Me: “Yea, so can you fix them?” 

Sales Girl: “I think we can fix them no problem.” She can see right through my red face and just smiles. 

I walk out of the store mortified and never going to drink red bull vodkas again. 

I went on Red Bull’s website and this is their advertising. 

Redbull gives you wiings. More like glow stick tongue on crack.  

Vitalizes the body and mind. By rolling ankles on the dance floor and blacking out.  

Red bull energy drinks is appreciated by top world athletes, busy professionals, College students, and travelers on long journeys. College students?! This scares the fuck out me. If Denny has a Red Bull Vodka in College and he will be in jail. Guaranteed Shit.    

Red Bull gives you wings whenever you need them. Fucking No Thanks.

People actually drink this shit? The company puts on Music Festivals, world wide events, endorses athletes, has products, clothing, etc…Red Bull was founded in the mid-1980’s by Deitrich Mateschitz. He not only launched a new product, but a new market…energy drinks. Guess when the launch date was? My fucking 5th Birthday… BOOM….April 1st, 1987. Shit, I should’ve handed out Red Bull cans as party favors. Never, would I guess I would be blacked in a bush 16 years later from a new kind of product. Cheers.