Morning Routine

This is not much of a story, but a vent on my morning routine. Every Monday through Friday, the school routine has been put into place, since August. Boys wake up, eat the same breakfast (every fucking morning, heaven forbid you try anything new), we wrestle to get clothes on, brush their teeth with crappy bubble gum toothpaste, and out the door by 8:10 to drive to school. Super simple, right? For some reason, my kids and pets act like they don’t know what to expect every morning. They should treat it like “Ground Hogs” day. Each morning, one kid or animal decides to fuck up our routine. They will have a meltdown or shit on the carpet. I usually get the occasional comment, “we have school today?”…ugh, what are you fucking on? It’s Wednesday! Why would they think, we have a day off in the middle of the week? Because it’s never fucking happened. 

It’s a beautiful cold January morning…

7:10 am, Patrick walks downstairs and say’s, “I don’t see my waffles”. 

Can I predict when you fucking walking down the stairs to put these terrible wafers in the toaster oven. I just can’t, I’m not a fucking psychic…and how about you say, can I please have some waffles?

7:15 am, Dog has to fucking pee…

Don’t get a dog. People who want kids, should fucking wait till their kids are older. No one ever listens to this piece of advice, I didn’t. I wish my dog could talk like “Brian” from Family Guy. It would be fucking sweet! She could let herself out, drink Martini’s, and have a great relationship with Denny aka “Stewie”. That’s the kind of dog I want.

7:20 am, I give Patrick his clothes to put on. My only independent child that can actually get his clothes on by himself. He starts with…. “No, they are sooo cold” (whining and almost in tears). Trying to be gentle about this, “Well place them on the heater and then put them on”.

I can’t blame him for being cold. I’m fucking freezing all the time and had a heated water bed at my parent’s house. We all had water beds, such an amazing invention. How did those go out of style? I should convince Chris to get one. Who am I kidding, he’s fucking sweating all the time.

7:30 am, I tell Tucker that we need to put his clothes on…he replies, “Noooooooooo”. 

Starts running around the house and he is fucking naked. I catch him and it’s a real struggle. I’m crocodile Dundee wrestling a fucking baby alligator to it’s death. Damn, I need to clean the floors, as I brush off all the crumbs from my clothes. 

7:38 am, “What’s that smell? Denny did you poop?” 

Denny’s favorite word, “No”. I reply, “Well I smell poop”…..He screams “no” trying to hide. Again, another wrestling match with a baby alligator to change a shit diaper. The butt wipes are cold and he’s screaming. Fuck, I would be screaming to if someone wiped my ass with an icicle.  

7:43 am, Dog now wants to go out to take a shit.

Why can’t she piss and shit at the same time? I swear this dog loves to fuck with me.

7:45 am, Everyone needs to brush your teeth….

5 minutes later, everyone get in the bathroom and brush your teeth. 10 minutes later, Everyone get in the bathroom and brush your MOTHER FUCKING teeth!!!! I felt the veins pop out of my neck on that one. Seriously, I should just let their teeth fall out and say “I told you so”. My teeth are shitty, what do I expect? If they have teeth like mine, were fucked.

7:55 am, “Does anyone smell that?” 

I am like a dog sniffing out a bomb…found it. The cat took a shit in the basement. She always does that when she’s mad and I haven’t cleaned out her liter box. I don’t have time for this. Fuck it, I’ll clean it up later. Don’t get a cat.

8:00 am, Start the car and walk into the house. 

Patrick asks, “can I play with my tablet?” I reply, “No, we have to go get your jacket on”. Patrick is in tears and starts crying, “But I want to play my tablet.” Seriously, what the fuck? WE have to leave in 10 minutes for school. Fuck no, get your jacket on. I’m starting to feel some mom rage coming on.

8:05 am, I’m opening the door, “Patrick grab your hat let’s go”. He replies, “I want my baseball cap”. Now, I’m getting testy. “Well, I don’t know where it is. Your wearing your snow hat, It’s cold out”. Patrick is starting to argue with me, “I don’t want to”. I yell at him “TO GET IN THE CAR, WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!” It’s fucking chilly and you were freezing your balls off forty minutes ago.

8:09 am, Everyone is in the car. 

Patrick has his backpack on and will not put his seatbelt on. “Take off your backpack and put your seatbelt on”. Patrick replies, “I don’t want to”. Ugh, “What are you new? Take your back PACK OFF AND PUT YOUR SEAT BELT ON!!!!!” SERIOUSLY PATRICK,WE GO TO SCHOOL EVERY FUCKING MORNING AND NEED A SEAT BELT. DO WANT ME TO GO TO JAIL, BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A SEATBELT ON?!!” Tucker has a baby smile. I think he is enjoying Patrick getting ripped a new one.

8:12 am, I am mad as hell.

I’m white knuckling the steering wheel and peel out of the driveway. I am blasting music to calm down.

8:14 am, Patrick is crying. I never get a break, “What’s wrong now?” Patrick says, “Denny hit me.”… “Denny?!” He acts like nothing is wrong, “What?”. Gees, “Don’t hit Patrick”. He starts pointing at Patrick, “Patrick blahfdska;fdksa;hfei”. I don’t know what he’s saying, some toddler bullshit I don’t understand.

8:15 am, I watch Denny take another cheap shot at Patrick. 

Patrick seriously says, “no one likes me?” I’m trying to be nice now, “We love you.” Now I feel bad for the kid. Why is there a minivan riding my ass so hard?

8:17 am, Pull into school.

“Love you Patrick have a great day.” Fuck, I hope he doesn’t tell the teacher how crazy our mornings are. I don’t want DCFS at my door. Well, actually they can take Denny, I would be okay with that.

8:30 am, Heading to the next school and ready to drop off Tucker. 

“Tucker you ready?”. He’s pretending to sleep in his car seat, he doesn’t want to go. He’s a limp dick and I have to pull him out of the car. An aide sees I need help with this sloppy mess. Wouldn’t it be great, to fucking pretend sleep whenever you didn’t want to do something? I swear he’s a genius.  

8:40 am, Denny innocently asks….”Where’s Patrick and Tucker? Where’d they go?” 

Did this kid black out while we were driving? Thank god I have two fucking kids gone.

The morning routine is amazing, right? I see parent’s driving every morning. There’s always a few that look insane. We all know exactly what kind of morning their having and what it feels like. Then theirs the other parent’s that look stress free, they only have that morning once a year. When it comes, it’s like fucking Christmas. You wish that morning routine was always like that. It’s not. Sorry for this vent, I felt the urge to type and can’t wait to see what tomorrow’s morning routine brings….shit, fuck, piss, have a good day.

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