My mom just told me my childhood dentist recently passed away. It brought back all sorts of crappy childhood memories for me. I hated that dentist and I was there all the time. My mouth is worth millions. Kid you not, that is how much money my parents have spent on my teeth and they still are not fucking perfect. 

When I was a little girl, I reached over at the dinner table one night to grab something. My chair rocked backwards and I ended up hitting my mouth on the table. Fucking ouch. I lost my two front teeth. My mom got wind of a pedi-dentist in the area and took me there asap. Since, it was going to take a while for my big teeth to grow in, the dentist made me a “flipper”. What the fuck is a “flipper?” Two little teeth on a wire, that went in my mouth like fake teeth. This flimsy piece of shit, then attached to my back baby teeth to stay in place. 

This wire felt so foreign in my mouth and I was constantly picking at it. I would loosen it all the time. I popped it in and out like a normal retainer and I liked to scare the shit out of kids on the playground with it. My mom would get so fucking pisst at me. Every time I took it out, she would have to take me to the dentist to have this flipper tightened around my baby back teeth again. It drove me nuts and even the dentist office was creepy. The staff, always made me feel bad for taking my flipper out and having cavities. They had this “cavity free wall” with little asshole kids smiling in polaroids. The decor was hideous, posters up of kittens, rainbows, and God quotes. I can still smell it, a combination of an old lady’s house and dental equipment. You know that fucking smell.

After being at the dentist for the 100th time to get this flipper fixed. The dentist would give me a big guilt trip about it. Suddenly, I got this idea in my head.

Me: “My dad hit me in the mouth with his shoe.”

The dentist was shocked at what I said. I didn’t fucking care, because I needed to get out of this dentist chair and was done with the small chat. He called my mom back from the waiting area.

Dr. Dentist: “Christine, tell your mom what you said.” I looked her dead in the face.

Me: “Dad hit me in the mouth with his shoe.”My mom was stunned looking at me with her eyes bulging out of her head.

Mom: “Christine, that did not happen.” For some reason I believed it. I was such a little shit. 

Next dentist visit…

Dr. Dentist: “Christine, why is your flipper out?” Simple…

Me: “My mom pushed me down the stairs.” They called my mom back from the waiting area again.

Dr. Dentist: “Christine, tell your mom what you said.” Okay…what’s the big deal?

Me: “You pushed me down the stairs.” My mom was completely fucking stunned…

Mom: “Christine, I never did that!” I just sat there and was completely composed with my lie. My Mom kept asking me why I was lying. I didn’t know, I guess I was sick of the dentist and it being my fault all the time. Even though it fucking was. 

​Another dentist visit…

Dr. Denitist: “Christine, what happened to your flipper this time?” Well, let’s think…

Me: “My dad hit me in the mouth with a baseball bat.” My poor Mom, walking from the waiting room to my dentist chair…

Dr. Dentist: “Christine, tell your mom what happened this time.” Easy….

Me: “Dad hit me in the mouth with a baseball bat.” I could feel her heat coming off her body.

Mom: “Christine, stop saying things like this!” The whole dental staff just looking at my mom, like wtf is going on at your house. The dentist knew I was lying, because I clearly did not have any black and blue bruises on my face or body. My mom was so fucking concerned they were going to call DCFS and I was going to be taken away.

I did shit like this all the time. Fucking lie right through my teeth and believed every word. Just like “bed wetting”. I was such a natural at it. I was about to start 2nd Grade and my mom had enough of this fucking flipper and the dentist, she threw it in the garbage. I was toothless for over a year. My big teeth finally grew in. This was karma on me, you should’ve seen these things. I looked like a fucking snaggle puss. My teeth grew in so awkward. I had a big gap between them and one even grew in side ways. Oh fuck, was I ugly. One time, I ran into a pole playing tag and had to get a crown put on my front tooth. The other tooth had a stain on it from all the crap I ate. My teeth were a fucking mess. Finally, I got braces and head gear in 8th Grade. This was life changing and the best thing that ever happened to me, I got my first boyfriend with all this fucking metal.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: