In the 80’s and early 90’s there was a place called “Glamour Shots” in the mall. How this was a thing? I have no fucking idea. You all know what I am talking about…I’m in 5th Grade and my mom wanted me to give me this amazing experience where they dress you up like a whore, make your hair really fucking big, and cake on a ton of make up. I was at the perfect age, 11 years old.
We have our appointment, I walk in and this big woman is ready to glam me up. I sat in the chair and she asked “how I wanted my hair done.” I have no fucking clue? I’m 11…just doll me up like a “baby whore” I guess. When she put my lipstick on, it was tough to get around my big buck teeth. Meanwhile, my mom was picking out jackets that she wanted me to wear for the photo shoot. She saw a “White Sox” jersey that she really wanted me to wear. I was a Cubs fan, wtf? My dad is the White Sox fan and I’m definitely not “daddy’s little girl”. When I got my period, he got in his car and drove out of the driveway. He never wanted to spoil me and made sure I was treated equal with my brothers. So, I’m sure he will be super impressed with me, now that I have a glamour shot in a White Sox’s jersey. I can picture him showing this picture to all his buddies at the bar. Everyone probably ordered another beer to make the painful image go away. He still has this picture…
I have a few glamorous jackets picked out by my mom and the big lady starts accessorizing. She wants me to fucking relax and bring out my personality. The funny thing is, I’m sitting in my shorts with all this glam shit on. This is by far the most fucked up experience of my life and can’t relax. I’m wearing jackets that my mom likes to wear. She picked out a lot of glitzy gold shit. I liked sliver and turquoise and wanted to be a fucking cow girl.
The photo shoot is over and now it’s time to order these once in a life time images. My mom loved them. She handed them out to family, I can only picture in their minds what they thought of me. “Ugh those teeth” as they smile and thank my mom for the picture.