The Tee Shart

Golfing Celebration Never Felt So Good!!!

My mom had a fun golfing group that would play late summer. It’s fucking random as shit, you have to be born in 1953 to be in the group. 2013 was a big milestone for the ladies, they are all turning 60. They decided to make a bigger deal about this celebration. Every lady was allowed to invite one friend for lunch, golf, gambling on the course, drinks, a nice dinner afterwards, and of course more drinks afterwards.

I have the oldest soul and definitely was born in the wrong time period. I love to drink, knit, golf, shart, go for walks, read about history, drink, hang out with people 30 years older than me (the older the better), golf, watch Reelz channel (love that fucking channel), talk to my parents, technology scares me, drink, golf, shart, and drink.

When I was invited to this celebration by my mom, I was fucking excited. We ate lunch first and put money in the pot for our golfing shit to begin. Let’s have some fun!

I tee off on the first hole, nice drive and walk up to my second shot. My stomach was a little fucking crazy from lunch. I hit my second shot short of the green…fucking scramble to get into the hole and make a 6. Whatever…it’s only the first hole.

​Before I tee off on the second hole…
Me: “My stomach is in fucking knots right now.”
Mom: “Oh shit, are you okay? Your not going to shart are you?”
Me: “Fuck, I hope not…”

I tee off and feel something bad coming on…Damit, what did I eat? Did I drink “to much” last night? I drink “to much” every night…why is today different? Maybe I ate to fast?
Me: “I’m going to have to use the bathroom ASAP.”
Mom: “Oh gees”
Her face is expressionless, like a bomb is about to drop on the course…I hit my second shot.
Me: “Oh fuck.”
Mom: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “I totally shit in my pants.”
Mom: “What? Oh gross”
Me: “Ugh, fuck…why do I do this to myself?”
I take the golf cart and zoomed to the bathroom on the 3rd hole. The other twosome we are playing golf with…looking at me like…“where the fuck is she going?”

Definitely dumped in my underwear and had to throw that fucking shit away. Now, golfing commando, feels liberating and scary at the same time. What happens if I shart again? Then what? Who has these problems? 

Whatever happened to my stomach and butt, finally passed. I called Chris on the golf course and told me to bring out underwear. How did this guy marry me? After nine holes, I run into the locker room after nine holes and put on some underwear.

On the locker is a jewel grocery bag with two rolls of toilet paper and two thongs. Does he think he’s fucking funny? He gave it to the receptionist at the main desk, who then walked it down and put it on my locker handle. How mortifying! Can’t look her in the eye anymore.

I finish the golf round and of course grab a beer. That will make everything better. My mom starts telling everyone, how I crapped in my pants on the course. Their faces were horrified. As a joke, she even asked the Assistant Professional if they sold underwear in the pro shop.
Mom: “You sell underwear in the pro shop?”
Assistant Pro: “Yea, Mens underwear.”
Mom: “Well, Christine shit her pants and needs to buy some”.
He looked at me with disgust and never came by me for the rest of the summer. Could you imagine if they did sell women’s underwear in the pro shop? That would be hilarious and I would buy every pair. I literally have lost all dignity with the staff today. 

After cleaning up, I’m in a short cute coral sundress. I’m wearing a thong with a short dress. I started guzzling down wine with these women and laughing about anything that came up. I clenched my butt tight the rest of the night and prayed really hard….that I would not shart on the chair.